Activecitizen54's Blog

A New Week, A New World

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on May 13, 2013

A New Week, A new World.

From the vantage point of hovering on the brink of absolute and utter destruction and considering my current state of decomposition there are no options left, no do-overs and blissfully; no regrets.  From the ashes hope springs infernal.

Attaining Center from this point is a gargantuan feat requiring super-human strength today.  Ti Chi on the beach failed to re-align Center. 

The rapid trip to the grocery store for coffee too much a plunge into the Matrix for me to bear. 

The feelings of just being a 3-eyed, drooling Troll way too much to bear today but I’ll get through.

Mindfulness helps focus on the now and that now is beautiful chamber of commerce 82 degree weather perfect for this Certified Tropical Fruit.  I feel as if I am back in Honduras or Columbia at the3,500 coffee belt level.  I could just do the happy-dance of the feces over today.

I am in mourning, wounded and alone. 

That’s the standard Gay & Gray syndrome, right? 

Mostly we Gay Men know alone better than most humans.

I’ve found some humor in going into the darkest corners (without adult supervision) of me and survived wounds that would have others crumble.  I’ve seen way too many to succumb and it’s long past time for dying young and leaving a great looking corpse.  I’m going out with a chocolate martini in one hand, joint in the other looking like I’ve had a wonderful time in life. 

Don Miguel Ruiz, Peck, Melody Beaty, Redmond, Joseph Campbell and Sigoyle Rimpuche are all among the river of self-help and exploration of self that have eagerly been devoured. 

Today still feels like a Percival day having the flesh rent from the bone by the briars in search of the Holy Grail.

A large portion of today is the Matrix reality that reduces all humans to cash value and itemized deductions.

The now in the sunshine is bliss but reality will strike rapidly and the damages mitigated.  That will be at my expense as is typical in life with Kevin, the after-birth of the American Dream.

I freely admit to my Altered Perceptions in and of life because of who I am.  The product of Up State NY Republican (when they were still sane) Committee people and active party members of the 1960s.  I am the baby boy with only a younger sister and 2 of 3 brothers still surviving as far as I know.  Toxic humans and I’m eternally grateful for paternal grandparents buffering influences and for pandering to my insatiable reading appetite.

My Cooter Farm upbringing aside; I survived and have moved through life with a foundation of ideals that have kept me in good stead.  For the most part I trust myself and admit freely to being absolutely insane if you must have a reason for me being me. 

I have taken the road less traveled.

I have been blessed twice and cursed once in love and that’s an OK place today in my single life.  I do miss the companionship and the intimacy but life moves on and who else but me to pick up pieces?

I think what gets to me most these days is the absolutely overwhelming feeling of loneliness that comes in waves and consumes everything in it’s path.  That’s the foundation of the “3-eyed Troll” & “My current state of decomposition.”  Just for the record. 

There are some wonderful mitigating factors in life with a friend living with me now but these are independent lives.  I giggle over the “Giraffes” description I stumbled across in some obscure study of Rothschild’s giraffes and male bonding for protection that lasts throughout life.  Its a great help to me to know there is another human within earshot most of the time.

The diabetes is having a hay day and I’m working through the “system” to get into see a physician.  Still jumping through “qualification” hoops with these folks.  What absolutely terrifies me is the loss of eye sight and the rapidity of that.  The neuropathy is life-altering too with the hot-spots and numbness.  I have it under control for the moment but meds run out in two weeks and the pace of approval is slower than a snail.

I’m working diligently to haul my happy self back up from the abysmal pits with some success.  Coming to acceptance of mortality and frailty of life with way too many examples is OK.  That’s a large part too.

The humor is being restored.

My world is a funny place and I am among the funniest residents.

When I weaned myself off prosac in 1996 it was several months of absolute Hell and torture.  This current anti-depressant Citalopram is equally as difficult but I am one month today without and the intense peaks have begun to come to a rational and normal level.  I don’t know if I have the ability to convey what happens when one comes off these brain chemistry altering substances.  In my experience while taking them the highest highs and lowest lows are removed for a warm-death medium response to any and every stimulus.  Once these chemicals leave the peaks and valleys become amplified as if all that middle explodes and the aggregate of the prior experiences a lens with laser focus and electron microscope magnification.

It is from within this pure living Hell that Avery died on top of getting dug out financially, being sorely abused by life and coming to terms with the “new” me chemical free.  Absolutely terrifying places one and all and combined with the amplification makes them an exquisite living Hell.

The messages that life delivers are hard to take and I know I am way too sensitive at this moment.

Hauling this massive, decomposing corpse around reminds me that I really should’ve had the embalming at 29.

I have the full-length mirror positioned to catch sight of myself first thing in the morning to kick start the heart.  None of this will matter in 100 years but it sure is real today.  


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