Activecitizen54's Blog

Weekend Warrior 5.18.13

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on May 18, 2013

Weekend Warrior 5.18.13

I am in “recovery” mode again and moving through life without my Imp is still not easy but I am doing this as I have throughout lifetime of losses.  Part of the difficulties in life for me now are because of this trigger of grief with Avery’s death and the amplification of the feelings created from being without anti-depressants.  I have a Doctor’s appointment on Thursday and will seriously discuss going back on them to maintain my functional status as a human.

The house is quiet with roomie off to a friends for the weekend and me being homo-alone to deal with me.  What a frightening thought.  It is times like these when I discover new wellsprings of faith and hope in a better tomorrow even if they are seldom to never realized the tools get me through.  The Bea bird is being a demanding creature without Avery to keep her company.  At least she is back to feeding herself  that’s a big help to me now.

Facing the loneliness issues is one of the most difficult parts of today and each day.  I can fool myself into thinking there is companionship with a roomie but the reality is very different.  I am more alone than ever in life before and that’s intended and intentional.

A while back I heard from Mikey The Beer Sponge who is in the lap of luxury where he wanted to be being cared for by family and living on the dole.  His vile words of “I wish you well” were beyond the pale as this was the creature Hell-Bent on destruction of my life and any life about it.  There was no companionship there after the addiction moved in  and there clearly was only the animus of a vile self-hating Catholic Homosexual without redeeming qualities ever.  It turned into the vile, hateful and vitriolic creature that spawned it years into the relationship.

Better-off alone is the mantra of the day, week, year and remainder of life for me.  I will not ever again face the absolute betrayal of a “say-one-thing; do-another” professional liar and addict.  I will not ever be subject to the sabotage of a self-hating homophobe and the Catholic Guilt that drove his addiction and fueled his hate.

The lessons of Victor were quick and simple as with any narcissist.  It was and always will be all-about-Victor and that’s all that matters in it’s petty world.  I may not be the brightest light bulb in the pack but I saw that clearly from early on in the relationship.  The reality was that I was more alone with Victor than without him.  Funny how that happens.

So today I loose myself in gardening, in doing the domestic goddess things that I try to avoid all week and caring for me.  The Warrior is at rest but is far from home still.

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