Activecitizen54's Blog

Weekend Warrior 6.8.13

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on June 8, 2013

Weekend Warrior 6.8.13


The Earth and reality shifting on it’s axis has come to an end.


As this new reality settles in with me more alone than ever in life a remarkable calm has descended upon the Oasis.  I’m not sure if this is reality or just the final fall-out from the devastation of the Imps leaving this world. In any event the Shamanic path is leveled, the reality adjusted and the 3-eyed Troll kept at bay.

I’ve had several days of absolute solitude and reflection in this beautiful garden, beach and Oasis of my construction and the positive energy is maintained.  My biggest fear in all this is that the poison of grief, anger and resentment would consume all the hard work and investment.  Been there, done that, not going back.

The newest member of the household is still learning communication skills and diligent in his pursuit of that goal.  Peace has settled in and perhaps this will be an effective solution all the way around. 

The Gay & Gray continues unabated as reality of becoming just another invisible Lesbian Taxpayer grows ever stronger.  A great part of what consumes me today is the idea of legacy in this world.  Somewhere in my Altered Perception the idea of what is left behind has begun to consume me.  The works of art, the writing, the random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty uphold and move me through without reward in this reality and yet I am loath to forgo them.

A great part of this may be just the normal aging process but without road-map and without role model moving through this road less traveled is frightening and exhilarating all at the same time.  I’m amazed at the recognition from within of how dependent upon other things my identity, self-identity truly is.  This is one of the moments when looking in the mirror the 16 year-old and the remnants of the child refuse to recognize reality.

Hump Day Happiness

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on June 5, 2013

Hump Day Happiness

Tomorrow is Doctor’s appointment @ 9:00 AM and when nurse Rachett, Rose, called to move my appointment up nearly a month I couldn’t help but be a tad concerned.  The Ac1 was 118 which isn’t bad for a newly diagnosed and well controlled diabetic.  The Cholesterol was 142 which is OK but not quite my target.  What has them bent out of shape is the increased white blood cell count.  I will know what their best guess is in a few short hours and until then; I’m not worrying about it.

As I told Lee the other day in a rather heated discussion; “I am more alone now than at any other time in life.”  My muse and Imp are gone and I am alone for the first time in 30 years.

The weather here is taking a turn for the rainy, tropical 7 to 10 inches of rainy beginning tonight and running through the next several days.  With any luck it will be gone by the weekend and I will enjoy the beach.

The political punditry continues with Bill but its just more of the same old stuff different day in America’s dumbed-down sheeples acceptance of the War On Main Street..

New Day 6.02.13

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on June 2, 2013

New Day 6.02.13


It’s a new day.  I’ve buried Ms Bea out in the garden next to Avery at the base of the Tori Gate on the south side.  Private Hell is an accurate description of today as I reflect on the sorrows & joys of life and the natural cycles.  I am now more alone than I have ever been in life for the past 30 years and well past melt-down.

It’s important to understand the reality to live in the now and the reality isn’t real pretty for me.  These absolute living jewels of the South Pacific Rain Forrest Canopy have been a very large part of my identity and have kept me grounded even when they have taken flight and toured the neighborhoods to come back home.  They always came back home and in this home I was helpless, absolutely powerless to prevent their deaths.  If the soul is immortal I will find a flock waiting for me on the other side.

As these experiences have unfolded in the most recent past there can be no doubt about my altered reality & altered perceptions founded within that. 

The paradigm shifted and it’s palpable. 

Gay & Gray is a place of great invisibility and this human is without the normal peer group because of an AIDS epidemic taking the lives of my peers early on in the 80s. 

This experience, normally reserved for humans in their 60s, 70s or 80s, awakened me in my early 30s to the very fragile nature of this thing called “life” we share in this matrix, this dream-state we mostly drift through totally unaware of how mythology dependent we, as a species, have become.  I’ve often marveled at this when listening to the Joseph Campbell lectures of “Transformations Of Myth Through Time.”  The very real human desire to understand this experience and desire to know what is beyond is the Heroic Journey.

This very individualized grasp of The Hero With A Thousand Faces (Campbell’s seminal work) defined for me the primitive foundations of the Berdache path, the shamanic and those that have capitalized upon it in the “organized” religions in whose name the human species has suffered horribly.

The shamanic path arises from the pure observations of the environment as in understanding the spirit of the animal being equal and as worthy as your own as life feeds upon life in hunter-gatherer culture.  As human culture progressed to the agricultural from hunter-gatherer the earth connection became even stronger.  Paganism is completely dependent upon this “natural order” of the seasons and the accompanying actions required. It is from the absolute death of winter that the magical and mysterious re-birth of spring leads to productive summer and fall’s harvests.  The birthing cycles of herd animals anchor this cycle in the day-to-day reality and man’s observations led to superstitions and holiday celebrations led by the Shaman.

Am I, on this shamanic path, able to face the heroic journey?

Today that is a foundational question that drives me to the brink of insanity on a regular basis. How does a modern man encompass the animist, the pagan and whatever else has arisen since this culture has employed superstition and ritual to replace the true lessons of the joy of this moment now?

I am saddened and grieve for the loss of my Imp, Avery and the Bea, my muse, perhaps more so than any other creatures who’ve ever entered my life.  As much as they impressed upon me I too became impressed upon them and I find myself today listening to painful silence instead of the regular chatter of happy eclectus parrots.  Although I cursed the day Bea learned my name I miss hearing her call me. I miss them bounding off the cage onto me to tour the kitchen or the beach out back.  I miss their presence and personalities most of all.

Bea bird got me through being the disposable person that Mikey the Beer Sponge and the Beer Sponge Family in their incessant Catholic guilt provided.  You left me just when I needed you most isn’t the best truism about that.  The reality is that Mikey The Beer Sponge was never there.  He lived to sabotage and destroy with only his addiction ever in his minds or acts.  I am guilty as well of tolerating this.  Lessons learned and moved past without second though.

I can and do.

Avery came into life with Mark & Casey and the creature adopted me, of that there was no doubt.  I have no regrets for ever having these wonderful living jewels in life with me and know I did my best to insure their lives were full and rewarding. 

The grief triggers the response from the deaths of Butch and the troop of loving characters, Earl, Beula, Mike, Nancy and all those hundreds of others for whom I have mourned.  The endorphin cascade begins and the consciousness grabs hold and hauls it back from the downward spiral.

I am, thankfully, appropriately medicated at the moment. The citalopram (this time 20mg) is back and the peaks and valleys are reduced to minor variation from the baseline.  For me, now, this is a very good thing.  As a disposable human I am acutely sensitive, like a raw nerve ending, to any outside stimulus and have retreated completely to the garden and writing.

The theft of my laptop still haunts me as I search for similar experience to help ameliorate the pain of today. 

I have not and do not retreat into alcohol as I’ve seen happen too often to recount here.  I will not retreat into a drug-induced stupor because the lessons are important as are the associated emotions.  This shamanic path requires understanding experience to enable communication to those who have yet to explore this universe. Consciousness is what is in question and what is displayed in this transition from within the experience to what lays beyond.

The Bardo State of Buddhist faith is graphic sampling of this shamanic position and I hope I prepared the way for all who have passed over to whatever lays beyond.

So today is a new day and I’m on a path of the solitary quest out of chance rather than choice.

Somber Sunday 6.02.13

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on June 2, 2013

Somber Sunday 6.02.13


My Bea Bird died in my hands tonight at 12:07 AM.  Thirty years of unconditional love and the demands of the bitch bird are now drawn to a close.  Yet another chapter of life is closed forever.

It’s 12:20 now and I’m still bawling my eyes out.  Again after having just buried her mate Avery my Imp.  This is just too much for one person to bear alone.

You see my options.  I am alone and writing.  That’s what I do.  I am alone and writing; I am always alone and now more than ever in this life…

As a Gay & Gray man I know alone.  I know the alone of being invisible when I walk into a room, the alone of being disposable, the alone of being left in need.  It’s a life-long fact of being Gay in the USA.  The Loner is restored and the accessories of living jewels are no more in my life.

Lee is off with Michael and I’m alone and that’s OK.  There isn’t a damned thing anyone can do.  I am just inconsolable now and will continue this way as these beautiful creatures, the living jewels who loved me unconditionally are now gone.

Now may not be the best time for taking a bath with a toaster but it sure is feeling that way. 

I’m really a piece of work tonight. I wasn’t this upset when Butch died, Beula & Earl, Mike too were easy as was Nancy but these two constants in my life are no more.  I didn’t cry over Mikey the Beer Sponge running off to the woman’s shelter because I returned his abuse.  His intent was leaving me just when I needed someone to love me and to love the most so I understood the Cowardly Guilty Catholic alcoholic for just what it is.  Dangerous Dan and the thief family are the same.

I am a disposable person and have been a disposable person all my life.  I understand that from parenting to present. I understand that from siblings and friends alike.  I understand.