Activecitizen54's Blog


Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on July 18, 2013

Sunday Psychosis

Today is brought to you by:

What the fuck will it matter in 100 years anyway?

And the T.

The household is off being “busy” with helping newest member, Larry, retrieve the last of his belongings from his old room mate’s condo.  Lee, Tony (Frankie’s sometimes Ex) and Larry have all just made the dash to do the deed. 

New beginnings for one and all. 

Tori Beach is functioning and the energy of the group is maintaining focus and direction.  It is a very good (feeling content and centered) energy working today even with the stress of making the move, the separation of Frankie & Tony (a very great step for Frankie in this rejection of past and a comprehension of reality from the history spelled out in discussions) topped off by my impending crash from the week’s experiences.

Small changes compound to create great things.

There is something amazing happening here on Tori Beach that is difficult to describe.  Whenever someone asks what a Tori Gate is (and they invariably do ask) I’ve found great personal satisfaction in watching the absolute and almost immediate consciousness altering as I explain: “Tori Gates signify the transition from the secular world to the spiritual realm.”

The “magic” of Tori Beach is that it is an adult sandbox that has a leveling and centering effect on those who have come to know it. The most recent Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside (think Auntie Mame) to set foot upon the gritty stage (from a Gay pick-up site) 55 and handsome with a shielded soul and a story to tell; provided me with much needed positive reinforcement and exponentially compounded my commitment to make real the dream of Tori Beach.

Kevin, “The Facilitator” has taken a week long plunge headfirst into the waters of the experiences of the others within this household.  This is not without just cause or foundational reasoning either. After the death of my Imps, my birds, the grieving for all that is gone nearly consumed me. 

Grief and grieving has definitely left me without direction or motivation in my life.  My feeling like I’ve been shattered and dissected and examined and disposed of very real within me. 

I was damned well entitled to take time to grieve but the demands of survival in America today have left no time for self since before Nancy died.  This plunge and swim in the pool of experience that others in this household lived in the past created a remarkable understanding of self (perhaps for the first time in life) and the recognition of this is all there is. 

I’m going to make today the best day of my life.

This re-affirmation of direction came from the newest guest on the beach.  This man, without any knowledge of me, who I am or what I am, unintentionally reinforced my commitment to do the right thing and push for a dream of a healing and cleansing spa atmosphere at home.  Within Tori Beach everyone is sheltered and protected by the others and the strength of this unity tested beyond the limits I originally thought would be a breaking point.

From a gonzo journalism, a Fear And Loathing In Los Vegas view, this past week has enlightened me to the seduction and addictive qualities of the newest chemical fad to become epidemic within the Gay Community here and nationwide.  The seduction of this substance, for me, most closely resembles the high from crack-cocaine but the effects are days-long; drive a focused reduction of inhibitions and the “super-man” feelings to new heights.  I understand the high and am becoming very well versed with the crash that inevitably follows.

For me the high is not worth the after effects but the reality is that others who may not be as familiar with the dark side of self may well be driven back to the high in an attempt to escape the crash from Hell.  This is Part 2 of the reality of addictive substances.

From within this “crash” from chemicals driving an abysmal depression arises real physical symptoms like itching, restlessness and an inability to maintain a coherent thought process plus the paranoia adds a kicker just to keep life interesting.

Understand that a $50 quantity of this chemical is enough to get a half-dozen humans high from smoking it for 12 to 16 hours or more with 3 to 5 days of pure Hell following and “weekend warriors” rapidly become mainline users consuming one $50 hit themselves with amplified effects and devastation following the mind-blowing high.

For the Gay Community the amplification of sex this substance creates is as addictive as the substance its self.  This drives the Party and Play sub-culture of the Community with all the inherent risks and dangers exponentially expanded.

Wednesday-cogitation on publishing.

This is my 3rd day away from the last dose and the craving is phenomenal and very much like the craving that cocaine creates for the smoker or “pointer” (an IV user) but again it is amplified exponentially.  For me, this cost is not worth the effect but I’m given a new understanding of addiction from within this experience.

Having a formidable toolbox at my disposal from the experience of kicking a $32,ooo.00 up my nose in one year cocaine habit still leaves me ill-prepared for this substance.  The seduction drives on multiple levels and nearly immediately kicks in the craving once the plateau-high is attained for the smoker and from observation the pointer experiences more amplification than the smoker.

On top of the phenomenal high toss in the total destruction of inhibitions and the sexual addiction follows rapidly with all the inevitable complications.  The slippery slope is set.

Ms Tina is not visiting Tori Beach again.  The curiosity satisfied and the understanding complete.

The next logical step here are the Tori Beach solutions and those are soon to arrive.

Today is Thursday and I prepared this posting for last Sunday while still under the influence.  It is remarkable that I was able to hold a coherent thought process through getting this out but the goal for me is always open communication.  Much to the credit of those now occupying Tori Beach the house is clean and sober and appears to be remaining so with everyone focused on moving through life in positive directions.

I am happy, well-centered still and looking forward to the continuation of the Tori Beach solutions as they unfold.  A new family is forming and that’s OK by and for me in this place and time now.

Weekend Warrior 7.7.13

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on July 6, 2013

Weekend Warrior 7.7.13

Wow, just wow.  Changes, shifts in the paradigm and restoration with truth for the 20 year friendship that was gravely at risk for 3 or 4 consecutive months. I feel renewed and invigorated again in life.  Thank you dinmoc, you have, by being you, restored my faith and confidence in my abilities in life. Thank you for being a friend.

The paradigm shift is real and I hope lasting.

Within my Gay & Gray experiences here in the Tropics I’ve kept to a path that has often diverged from what the cultural demands would apparently dictate.  I’m not a drinker or a druggie although I do not make judgement either for or against anything except for myself. 

Understanding the motivation for this line of inquiry is simple for me or the casual reader because I went from a Loner’s adolescence to a disastrous 11 year attempt to conform to societal demands to divorce, a Gay Marriage and divorce.  I’ve had the experience of being enabler to a guilty Catholic alcoholic and it’s ill family, survived cocaine addiction in the eighties, tried and enjoyed LSD, Peyote, Mescal and my all time favorite hallucinogenic Magic Mushrooms and have remained highly functional through life.  Vision Quests each experience that have yet to culminate. 

I recognize druggies, the truly addicted, from scent and behavior in a skinny minute even with all of today’s designer drugs being beyond my chipping experience.  For me these experiences have become rights of passage and with that recognition comes acceptance and compassionate understanding for others.

Aboriginal cultures recognize these rights of passage as an integral portion of the development and growth of humans often on levels that are masked and buried by popular culture.  The Urban Aboriginals (those who form “tribes” and live beyond cultural norms) have become a life-long focus of inquiry for me.

From the Rainbow Family Communes of my teenage years, through the drug-culture of the 70s & 80s to today’s chemical-dependent culture I have actively sought out and come to know these fringe elements* driven by intense curiosity. 

For me, with understanding of myself from places no human should go without adult supervision; this primate “identification” is body and soul language that is very difficult for the untrained to suppress and seldom explored.  The recognition of this process was spawned by a grade school nemesis because of my older brother coming-out. “Pansy” the torture tool for the bully.  The American Psychological Society still considered homosexuality an illness and Stonewall had not yet happened at this time.  “Belt the Bully” the prescription and unacceptable to my Buddhist self.  The point of this is that once I was “identified” as Gay and unafraid, my circle of friends became those others who were sexually suspect for protection and fraternity very reflective of primate social behavior.  Thank you Jane Goodall.

For me, this foundational act of being set separate from the others, happened much earlier and provided me strength and direction for what was to come, prepared me, in some strange way for what was to come.  I drowned when I was 3 years old, was rescued by David (my primary abuser) and understood the alteration of life from that point forward.  The Bully and the resulting social structures led to clearer understanding of politics and society.  The Loner and the historian were born from within this place with nature as a refuge.

Altered Perception is the foundational piece that chronicles these events and observations.

Living in the now, today, this moment I am following my bliss.  I have spent a lifetime caring for others in what may well be a smoke-screen for me.  Aside from coping with all the grief issues of Bea & Avery the events of life within our happy household here took some unusual and frightening turns but is back on track to rocket into the future now.

I feel, today, as if I have been rocketed into the gravity well of a black-hole and skimmed off the horizon event attaining light-speed and beyond.  I am following my bliss. 

Thank you for being my friend.


Manic Monday

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on July 1, 2013

Manic Monday


Wow, just Wow.

As history grinds steadily forward the United States Supreme Court’s decisions have dramatically altered the political landscape in America and the Missionary of Hate have absolutely failed.  I couldn’t be happier.

The Gay Pride Weekend here in St Pete was a festive and wet experience as most of the weekend was rainy and gray but that didn’t stop any of the festivities or the enthusiastic turn out.

Life for me is drastically altered without my Imps and without having to care for anyone but me now. I miss them terribly and have come to realize just how much of my life centered around the beautiful creatures.  I am healing but the process seems to be slowed.

From my vantage point here in the tropics and from within the womb of this happy home, life is getting better and I see slow but steady improvement when there was nothing but despair for too long.  After nearly a decade of being alone the adjustment of having others in life has presented some challenges but those are all nearly resolved now.

The summer rains are working here and I had expected to be absolutely into the abysmal pits because of the gray and nasty but visits from Chellie & the group have ameliorated that.

The Three-eyed Troll has struck back in grand style…


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