Activecitizen54's Blog


Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on July 18, 2013

Sunday Psychosis

Today is brought to you by:

What the fuck will it matter in 100 years anyway?

And the T.

The household is off being “busy” with helping newest member, Larry, retrieve the last of his belongings from his old room mate’s condo.  Lee, Tony (Frankie’s sometimes Ex) and Larry have all just made the dash to do the deed. 

New beginnings for one and all. 

Tori Beach is functioning and the energy of the group is maintaining focus and direction.  It is a very good (feeling content and centered) energy working today even with the stress of making the move, the separation of Frankie & Tony (a very great step for Frankie in this rejection of past and a comprehension of reality from the history spelled out in discussions) topped off by my impending crash from the week’s experiences.

Small changes compound to create great things.

There is something amazing happening here on Tori Beach that is difficult to describe.  Whenever someone asks what a Tori Gate is (and they invariably do ask) I’ve found great personal satisfaction in watching the absolute and almost immediate consciousness altering as I explain: “Tori Gates signify the transition from the secular world to the spiritual realm.”

The “magic” of Tori Beach is that it is an adult sandbox that has a leveling and centering effect on those who have come to know it. The most recent Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside (think Auntie Mame) to set foot upon the gritty stage (from a Gay pick-up site) 55 and handsome with a shielded soul and a story to tell; provided me with much needed positive reinforcement and exponentially compounded my commitment to make real the dream of Tori Beach.

Kevin, “The Facilitator” has taken a week long plunge headfirst into the waters of the experiences of the others within this household.  This is not without just cause or foundational reasoning either. After the death of my Imps, my birds, the grieving for all that is gone nearly consumed me. 

Grief and grieving has definitely left me without direction or motivation in my life.  My feeling like I’ve been shattered and dissected and examined and disposed of very real within me. 

I was damned well entitled to take time to grieve but the demands of survival in America today have left no time for self since before Nancy died.  This plunge and swim in the pool of experience that others in this household lived in the past created a remarkable understanding of self (perhaps for the first time in life) and the recognition of this is all there is. 

I’m going to make today the best day of my life.

This re-affirmation of direction came from the newest guest on the beach.  This man, without any knowledge of me, who I am or what I am, unintentionally reinforced my commitment to do the right thing and push for a dream of a healing and cleansing spa atmosphere at home.  Within Tori Beach everyone is sheltered and protected by the others and the strength of this unity tested beyond the limits I originally thought would be a breaking point.

From a gonzo journalism, a Fear And Loathing In Los Vegas view, this past week has enlightened me to the seduction and addictive qualities of the newest chemical fad to become epidemic within the Gay Community here and nationwide.  The seduction of this substance, for me, most closely resembles the high from crack-cocaine but the effects are days-long; drive a focused reduction of inhibitions and the “super-man” feelings to new heights.  I understand the high and am becoming very well versed with the crash that inevitably follows.

For me the high is not worth the after effects but the reality is that others who may not be as familiar with the dark side of self may well be driven back to the high in an attempt to escape the crash from Hell.  This is Part 2 of the reality of addictive substances.

From within this “crash” from chemicals driving an abysmal depression arises real physical symptoms like itching, restlessness and an inability to maintain a coherent thought process plus the paranoia adds a kicker just to keep life interesting.

Understand that a $50 quantity of this chemical is enough to get a half-dozen humans high from smoking it for 12 to 16 hours or more with 3 to 5 days of pure Hell following and “weekend warriors” rapidly become mainline users consuming one $50 hit themselves with amplified effects and devastation following the mind-blowing high.

For the Gay Community the amplification of sex this substance creates is as addictive as the substance its self.  This drives the Party and Play sub-culture of the Community with all the inherent risks and dangers exponentially expanded.

Wednesday-cogitation on publishing.

This is my 3rd day away from the last dose and the craving is phenomenal and very much like the craving that cocaine creates for the smoker or “pointer” (an IV user) but again it is amplified exponentially.  For me, this cost is not worth the effect but I’m given a new understanding of addiction from within this experience.

Having a formidable toolbox at my disposal from the experience of kicking a $32,ooo.00 up my nose in one year cocaine habit still leaves me ill-prepared for this substance.  The seduction drives on multiple levels and nearly immediately kicks in the craving once the plateau-high is attained for the smoker and from observation the pointer experiences more amplification than the smoker.

On top of the phenomenal high toss in the total destruction of inhibitions and the sexual addiction follows rapidly with all the inevitable complications.  The slippery slope is set.

Ms Tina is not visiting Tori Beach again.  The curiosity satisfied and the understanding complete.

The next logical step here are the Tori Beach solutions and those are soon to arrive.

Today is Thursday and I prepared this posting for last Sunday while still under the influence.  It is remarkable that I was able to hold a coherent thought process through getting this out but the goal for me is always open communication.  Much to the credit of those now occupying Tori Beach the house is clean and sober and appears to be remaining so with everyone focused on moving through life in positive directions.

I am happy, well-centered still and looking forward to the continuation of the Tori Beach solutions as they unfold.  A new family is forming and that’s OK by and for me in this place and time now.

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