Activecitizen54's Blog

Tori Beach Chronicles

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on August 10, 2013

Tori Beach Chronicles

The collapse came just brief hours after the unpleasant exit of Frankie & Tony from life here on Tori Beach and it was complete and total.  Shutting down into 10 hours of uninterrupted unconsciousness, digesting the events, finding antidote for the poisons and aligning self again insured that upon waking this morning I would still feel exhausted.  “Being the matron for a psyche ward will do that to one rapidly” was the quip from a friend that triggered the responses of this past week and the resulting actions from me.

In a brief 2 months Frankie’s illness consumed everyone’s consciousness as his actions became ever more erratic, irrational and destructive.  The last straw for this camel’s back was the reduction to violence that occurred just one week ago today.  Frankie, in all his bi-polar to psychotic sociopath best form confronted Tony, for reasons known only to them, and a violent altercation occurred.  Lee, being the gentle giant that he is simply pinned Frankie to the wall while maintaining a strangle-hold on Tony to stop the violence.  The resulting shattered mirror created a strange symbolism for me in fragmented reflection and triggered the acts of the week that culminated in the exit of Frankie & Tony yesterday at noon.

The shards of reflected light and life sliced cleanly and immediately through my being as if I were a mere carcass on the butcher’s block and revealed the poisonous truth of the impossible life-conditions created by the co-dependent illnesses of Frankie & Tony while illuminating the darkest corners of self within me.  The ill genius of smoke-screens, fraud, lies and deceitful actions creating chaos within the once peaceful Tori Beach with the white-hot glare of coronal sun discharge in violence shattering me.

Nearly 59 and hardly fragile I am shocked and amazed at the gestalt enlightenment created by one act of violence within Tori Beach and with the ease that one caviler emotional outburst from Frankie altered my world and consciousness is frightening and all too enlightening.  I am a survivor, I have always been a survivor and that has defined much of me for most of life.  I am an avowed pacifist who finds other ways of doing things and other ways of resolving issues but this single incident lit a fire within me that flashed total consumption of self and destruction too clearly to be ignored.

Throughout the week following the violent outburst from Frankie, Tony and Lee my imagery of self has been one of painfully super-gluing the broken bits together again with the expected spider-web of ego, perception and feedback all pointing in the direction of self.  Indeed an uncomfortable position for me to be forced into this type of self-examination and reconciliation at a time when focus on prosperity should be my primary goal.  The words from Lee striking to credibility and the actions that denigrate me doing my best cut through to the quick and triggered the instant examination reflex from me.  I find myself all too easily triggered into self-defensive positions rather than self-directing positions and solutions for that very real condition are completely self-contained.  My world, my consciousness, my self-imagery and reality are all shattered just as the mirror and putting them back together again without the furnace to forge them leaves traces and trails of all those fragments visible and distracting.

The good and positive things that came from this past week are the newly found abilities of Lee to clearly express himself in conversation with me, a little better understanding of the dynamics between us and clarity to act from a unified foundation.  For all that I am eternally grateful and more respectful of my friend Lee being in life with me now.  I have exacted a toll that I was totally unaware of from this wonderful human in ways that when once defined induce pain and suffering upon me in introspection and admission.  The acceptance of these very real and very honest perceptions of me from a respected other define me in ways that are all too true to be denied and painfully accurate in retrospect.

From the foundations of the pain-based humor to the Kraut stubbornness and determination to the blinders and focus and on through the expectations and demands; I felt (and still feel) filleted by the knife of words formed in anger, words formed in compassion and words formed in love that have sliced flesh from bone and left a quivering mass of protoplasm in their wake.  I’ve moved, rather slug-like, through being the 3-eyed Troll and back as a result and have no real solutions or resolution but a renewed commitment based on awareness and comprehension on several levels.  These things must be communicated to insure a level playing field and an ease of living together that I demand and apparently am unable to deliver.

The peace and serenity of Tori Beach this morning with the sunrise and sand provides me some solace in these moments of torture and acceptance with the real work of moving through life one step at a time too gargantuan a task to be willingly undertaken this instant.  I am defined by my failures and shortcomings with that denigrating anything positive that I may have clung to in holding the wolves and self-realization at bay.  I am shattered, totally obliterated and without compass at this instant because of the insanity of the past several months and the paradigm shift in the Universe.

The 3-eyed Troll is reinforced, the poison without antidote and the resulting slow death wracked with pain and suffering.  The escape of euphoria inducing substances an illusion intended to calm the condemned prior to slaughter.  The saddest part of this is that the euphoria is recognized as without foundation while the reality decomposes around one.  The desire to be loved, cared for and cherished so damnably driving that reason and reality are pushed to the side and all that is important is this moment now.  All my illusions and delusions are laid bare to the light of day on Tori Beach and survival is in doubt.

No one gets out alive.  That’s really the rub that Lee expressed this morning in his clear statements about the futility of where we are at by the decisions made and my personal failure to fund the reality of Tori Beach effectively by myself.  I have yet to fully comprehend, to understand in and of or for myself why I feel so protective and responsible for this reality but that’s where I am at now.

The serenity of Tori Beach is solace but not solution and for that a plunge into the reality of life and living is next on the agenda.  I have faith that is sorely shattered and battered but exists and I am working that faith to the bitter end.  I know that there is solution and direction but both escape me at this moment.

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