Activecitizen54's Blog

Freaky Friday 8.23.13

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on September 21, 2013

Freaky Friday 8.23.13

(This too is presented as background material from just one month after Lee’s birthday that he now claims never to want and never occurred.)

Tori Beach, for all the magic and positive energy, the love, joy and pure bliss lavished upon this place in this time, and the caring and sharing within the confines of the house and gardener’s cottage is soon to be a fleeting memory.

The dream of Tori Beach still inspires me and those with whom I associate but this physical location is soon to be shuttered and marketed to someone else.  I am unable to sustain the costs of maintaining Tori Beach and all the associated expenses.  I am, alas, too poor to continue in this rich man’s neighborhood on my beer pocketbook.  That’s the reality.

I grieve for the loss of my birds here.  I grieve for the loss of my illusions here.  I grieve because what began here, dies here because I do not have the financial where with all to continue.  I am eternally grateful for the experiences of Tori Beach and the wonderful humans who’ve populated this place of power and serenity.  The cleansing upon entry paid great dividends and the time spent here a true joy and experience in living Nirvana.  I treasure the moments from Tori Beach and hold them fast to my heart but am prepared to grieve and move forward without the serenity of this place as foundation.  Cast adrift in the world again for my 59th.

That isn’t a bad place to be for me.  As a life-long wandering fool I’ve become very accustomed to change and adaptation.  That is part of the strength of Tori Beach that will always be a part of my heart and soul.  The ability to be flexible within a rigid culture, the joy of exploration, the celebration of the natural now before it is all gone all move to motivate me to carry on in the Tori Beach mindset.  If I am unable to have Tori Beach for my own than so be it.  I have the memories of the precious moments of bliss to carry me through the remaining days unhindered.  I know it is possible for the dream to be realized because of the fleeting glimpses that have manifest in this world now.

Founded as a place of healing and refuge from the world beyond the garden walls; Tori Beach began with rocky footing, acts of thievery against me and us from one who was within the fold soon to be exiled.  Those initial changes and adaptations helped to form the very core of Tori Beach; it’s soul.  The purge of the negative and the focus on positive directions allowed me to confront the contractor’s nightmare and create a thing of magic and beauty.  From detriment to asset I and we have learned to turn the charge and protect that positive energy from total destruction by sheer will alone.  The humans drawn like moths to flame in this place have become blessing within life and the stories and reality adjustments delivered are healing sources for all those who experienced Tori Beach.

I and we are in the initial steps of creating the Tori Beach Foundation with these broad principals and ideals as the bedrock upon which all else will be built.  I know this within my very soul as truth and current reality. 

Perhaps I could’ve crowd-sourced the $5,000.00 required to maintain Tori Beach but I focused on one or two of the Gypsies and powerful men from my past to assist in supporting my dream.  My error and it is costing me and us dearly now.  I know, within my heart and soul, that I have done my best to accomplish what we set our minds to creating in Tori Beach, the atmosphere of acceptance of all, the elimination of judgement, and the focus on positive direction allowed the dark to creep unseen into the very midst of our colony of civility, our Camelot, and bring the fragile existence of this newly born place to an abrupt end.  I am responsible and I am paying the price now as always because of who I am, how I am and what I am.

The Kraut, that stubborn soul of “if by sheer will alone” determination bulldozing the other occupants of Tori Beach into submission to my will and vision while still encompassing their wants, needs and desires spread my talents and skills too thin to be sustainable.  That is a theme of life with Kevin who leads by example and not only expects but demands that all associated with him fall into line and adhere to the mutual goal.  My fault in this is the expectation that all others hold equal determination and conviction to the stated goals as I do.  I failed and castigate myself regularly and with good reason for coming to this point through blind, stubborn, determination to achieve the desired results now.  I live in the now and fail to consider the well-spring of resentments and laundry-lists of petty slights in the primate social structures that inevitably form within any pack.  Being “top-dog” is also a place of being top-target too.

As a direct result of active involvement, leadership by example, the seeds of discontent are sown and their fruition lays in the shambles around me today that is directly attributable to me, to my acts, to my decisions and my failures.  The accomplishments have no value once the joy-sponge of negativity begins forming and subverting intent from others. This is the way of the pack.  Look at the Baboon social structures, Chimpanzee social structures and grasp this animal reality within what we refer to as “culture” and is merely the noise of the pack drowning the individual voice and silencing the opposition by shear numbers.

All change and growth comes from the fringe.  I have taken the plunge into “the fringe” and returned relatively unscathed.  Unlike the hero, there is no welcome, there is no recognition or adjustment to the combined matrix of the “culture” that is created by this Tori Beach experiment.  The social structure desired is now reduced to the Giraffes with a “guest” of sorts.  The successive culling of the pack by their own characters demonstrates the tyrannical rule of the intolerant fringe.  My very own despotism and determination has reaped exactly what it sowed from Cory & Cami through Cuyler, Frankie, Tony, Larry and now Brandon.  I am more than enough to drive anyone insane in my own flights into insanity.  I am not so sure of my sanity now either as a result of the gestalt from blue-balls.

More Gonzo Journalism from the fringe is not the crowning achievement in this instance.  The crowning achievement in all this is the brief and fleeting moments when Tori Beach breathed life into all who entered into the clearly defined womb of nature.  The fertile fields of Tori Beach seeded with discontent from genetic memory more than anything else and all attributable directly to me. Me!  The non-procreative silver-back of the tribe.

Coming to this gestalt moment of clarity was and is not a pleasant or fun experience in self-castigation and self-flagellation.  The reality of this Tori Beach, it’s all too human frailty and mercurial energy flow supplied the raw materials and power to be controlled and directed by those who recognize it.  We who are “in tune.”

The harmoic resonanance of the Universe, the sympathetic vibrations of souls the white noise of truth through experience has no meaning and no value.  The reality of now even less value or importance.  What will it all matter in 100 years anyway? .

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