Activecitizen54's Blog

Hump Day Happiness 10.30.13

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 30, 2013

Hump Day Happiness 10.30.13

South of the Border

South of the Border

Yesterday morning, bright and early on the bus and down to south St Pete to the psychotherapists provided me some sense of empowerment in life of and for me.  It’s making the adjustment to life of and for me that is most difficult at this moment.  I am now two weeks camped out at Richards place with the cable and internet installed so I may continue to work here as I did at home on Tori Beach.  Lee’s last appearance was on Friday and, much to his credit he did keep his word to help me get to the psychiatrist.

(The great humor in that is the reality of just how he “helped” get me to the psychiatrist with that nasty mean-drunk and no count Vienna sausage-dicked JAP gutter snipe and his manipulative games and primate displays.)

I know I probably should have cropped off the dangley parts when I had the opportunity but I didn’t for the sake of reality press.  You do know how I live and breathe to keep things real.

Anyway the topic here is me (for a change) and I’m doing OK today.  Feeling worn out but that’s just the lack of sleep since Saturday.  Yes, I’ve had great difficulty sleeping since seeing the psychiatrist but it was Lee who did the damage that keeps me awake doing the required repairs.  This display to the left is what The Lee did for himself to “show-off” and “provide motivation” for me while I was working on the phone in the front office of the Gardener’s Cottage on Tori Beach.  I’m thinking this photo was taken 8/28/13 or close to that.  I suppose Lee didn’t think he had the hooks set deep enough yet to accomplish the desired ending and, thankfully, those hooks were never set because I just wouldn’t allow it.

The pain created by Lee on Friday arises from his clear intentions and his vile attitude that is founded solely within himself as is everything Lee.  So for me, doing this is therapeutic and displays the very essence of what this emotionally handicapped creature, this manipulative monster, the Bad Seed Lee is all about. 

I wounded myself in forcing Lee to keep his word.  After not seeing or speaking to him for 3 weeks I pushed and got my way.  I’m sure the wounds are equal on both sides but then again for Lee to be wounded he would require a conscious and that’s non-existent.  This is the man who “uses” others to gain what he wants now.

The image is important only to me but for me it portrays the fundamental and essential lie and foundational fraud of the narcissistic creature captured in digital imagery here. 

The good news is that Jorge Villatoro and I spoke yesterday about getting the hotel and ecotourism business up and running into Mezapa, Honduras and I’ve agreed to assist in the funding for that project as well.  Here I go pleading to the mafia for a million.  I may end up married to accomplish this but it will be well worth the suffering.

During the course of the day today I spent a small amount of time and sent this email off to Lee:

Lee:

October is nearly over and in a strong desire for closure, resolution for myself, I am compelled to impose upon you for a brief moment here.  Thank you for your indulgence.

I miss my friend Lee.  I hold no ill will toward you nor would I ever wish you any harm now or ever. I pray you obtain all you desire in life and want you to know that I do love my friend Lee now and always.  It is because I do love and care about your health and well being that I addressed honestly and directly the addiction and the behavior changes that are damaging to you and clearly damaged me. 

Do you understand that Lee?
You have clearly and intentionally damaged me.
You employed intellectual intimacy and used others to accomplish this.

For me to heal I have to bring myself to a point of forgiveness and compassion for you and mostly for myself. 

You’ve been very clear that your intent now, as from May forward, is to inflict as much pain, deliver as much venom and poison life in any and every way you could manipulate inclusive of the use of others.  I see this, I know this and I forgive you for your foundational fraud and basic lie of life in your betrayal of trust and total departure from truth and reality.

Lee you came to share a home with me, WE found and CREATED Tori Beach as a cooperative effort.  YOU began the sabotage and destruction founded in your resentment and dishonesty in March nearly a year later (11 months to be exact).

I do forgive you and want you to know that I spent the happiest year of my life living peacefully with my friend Lee who I do love and care for but I am not in love with.  I would be happy today living with my friend Lee but the creature you’ve become under the influence of crystal meth is obscene.  The liars and thieves with whom you associate disgusting and without any redeeming qualities and unwelcome in my life now or ever.  Those are your choices as the current life conditions demonstrate with my active destruction of Tori Beach.

The record is clear that it was and is my financial failure that created the destruction and I remind you one last time that you are and were held harmless and without liability while being FULLY INFORMED.  It was and is with your full knowledge and totally above-board as I struggled to meet the demands of maintaining Tori Beach.

My resentment began with your crystal meth induced paranoia, your obscene demands to turn OUR Home into someone else’s closet and the obscene use of the nasty JAP to drive the wedges you obviously required to move on.  Ask yourself Why?

Lee, I do forgive you and wish you happiness and fulfillment in this life.

You defined clearly the creature that you aspire to be and that is not acceptable to me.  I pray you receive all you desire in this life, that you are happy and that one day, my friend Lee may reappear.

Your friend, who loves you,
Kevin

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Terroist Tuesday 10.29.13

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 29, 2013

Terrorist Tuesday 10.29.13

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My sensitivity levels are off the scale and beyond the charts after seeing the psychotherapist today bright and early this morning. 

I pushed Lee into taking me to the psychiatrist’s office last Friday; in effect making him keep his word to me. I clearly viewed this then and now as a self-inflicted wound and truly enjoyed delivering wounds of my own upon him as rapidly and fluently as I was able while maintaining the appearance of civility.

After sustaining the 5 months-long terrorism of Lee’s chemically induced paranoia; the manipulation of the Jim’s Jewish Princess issues compounded by their economic warfare with A/C cranked down, windows thrown open and sustaining the $350.00 to $550.00 power bills, then  having the nasty mean-drunk Jew feeding off my wallet and out of my refrigerator and cupboards.  I am finally feeling some relief.  I have taken refuge with friends and that too is a tremendous disappointment to the vile gutter-slime creatures as demonstrated because I am not homeless, wandering the streets being criminalized for being homeless.

I do have to admit that I am gratified that Tori Beach is denied to all.  I am proud of my and Lee’s and my accomplishments with Tori Beach but I am not proud of the paranoid creature my friend Lee demonstrated then and continues to demonstrate now.  It is vile and disgusting, a walking cadaver, a mere husk of primate who now plasters his emaciated form on line.

Karmic Law will not be denied.  The players are on notice; Karmic Law will not be denied..

Tori Beach Is Dead

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 25, 2013

Tori Beach Is Dead

On 10/14/2013 as I returned from having a full mental health assessment done, a 5 hour process, with my friend Jerry along side me I found the taped notice for eviction on 10/15/2013 by 10:20 AM.  Not that things are ever easy when it come to conclusions but I was hardly expecting to have the brain battered and picked apart for 5 hours and then have the life and love of my life pulled from under me.

This is how life is for me now.

Tori Beach is Dead.

Today is 10/25/13 and it has been 21 days since I last saw Lee.  He went home to Mommy and Daddy and I’m sure replenished his coffers as a result.  He has fled to some undisclosed source where he is rooming with another Gay Man and that’s cool too. 

At this point I respect his desire for “no contact” on the grounds of identifying this Lee as a venomous and very toxic primate.  The emaciated and cadaverous tweeker who was behind the wheel is a person I don’t know and don’t want to know. I thanked him and paid him gas money and was very happy to exit as rapidly as possible.

New rules, no animosity and life for me moves forward in directions opposite from where Lee is.  I have no doubt that several weeks, months or years from now the fates will have Lee knocking on the door again and I don’t honestly know if that door will ever again open.

Had I seen any effort at all from Lee to assist in resolution of the issues rather than inflammation and antagonistic buckets of bullshit I could’ve, to the bitter end, saved Tori Beach but that was not to be.  The leopard doesn’t change it’s spots and neither would I for anyone in this life now or ever..

Tori Beach Demise 9.5.13

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 23, 2013

Tori Beach Demise 9.5.13

“The feeling within me now is one of performing an autopsy.”  Kevin painfully and cautiously admitted to Lee as they sat among the wreckage of the happy home they once enjoyed with comfort and ease of companionship without the “attachments” others expect and perceive.

“Lee, I freely admit to making a conscious decision.  I stopped and counted to 10 on three separate occasions prior to making the clear choice to unlock the death-grip on the door; flinging the damned thing away from me with all the intensity of the poison delivered to me.  I understood then, as I do now, why.”  Kevin explained with something less than that Buddha smirk running across his time furrowed face.  The event that precipitated that explosive act, disturbing a Saturday night cluster-fuck in the Gardener’s Cottage, the result of Tom’s near overdose.  Lee and Jim’s combined negative energies in reading the room for Kevin’s benefit only served to be icing on the cake of discontent..

“This mental masturbation today is intended to satisfy my need for your comprehension of why Tori Beach is destroyed and that brief Camelot of Happiness for Kevin washed away as if in Biblical flood as the act of a vengeful God.”  Resignation and failure flooded through the language, the tone of delivery measured and carefully constructed as the Mentor in Kevin rose to the surface attempting to mask the grief for the death of his inner child, his Imps and the acts of creation founded in love of and forTori Beach and all that transpired and expired there.

“I think I do understand.” Lee, listening intently, sifting, evaluating and respectfully considering the unfolding of the cadaverous conditions of life.  “It is the other, those perceptions and assumptions made by people outside the friendship we have becoming the trigger.”  Lee thoughtfully and accurately expressed with clear compassion and concern for his friend and occasional Mentor.

“There is a history, Lee.” painfully arose from Kevin.  “Throughout our lives, our friendship we’ve found each other at turning points, crisis or pinnacle as each case may be, all unique and all identical in the reality of those events happening and fate putting us in proximity each time.  This is our, and I know you abhor that reference to this thing between us, combined energy and combined issues.  Two independent humans, Giraffes, each guarding others back that has grown between us and that source of refuge and solace I find in your company is the result of our ability to communicate with each other in the same language.”

“I admit to a certain level of comfort with you but it’s this “other” that you speak of that I’m not so sure about.”  Lee directed his questioning carefully.  Are you speaking of the other men?  What is the other? 

“The Other is this sudden energy reversal; this holding opinions of others as valid, in fact more valid that what you and I know to be true.  Holding the negative and endorsing that through actions rather than words.  Allowing someone else to dictate behavior within our relationship and within our home from less than honest positions.  Does that make sense?”  Kevin inquired.

“I’m not a monogamously inclined human.  For me having 4, 5 or 6 playmates is a comfortable idea of how I want to live.”  Lee stated clearly.

“There are no complaints from me on those levels Lee, as long as my friend Lee is in life with me and we are moving in positive directions I am a happy man.”  Kevin’s admiration and affection for Lee apparent and problematic because of the “appearance” of being coupled.  Because of false observations of Kevin’s interest in Lee exclusively when playing in groups, the lies and fraud of a mean-drunk and the demand that our home become someone else’s closet all tipped Tori Beach into the black hole of joyless pain, created the merde maelstrom and death of Tori Beach. 

The clearly expressed “using other people, just as they use me.” statements from Lee a partial expression of explanation for Michael, Carlos, Frankie on 4th St and that introduced the chemical playtime of Crystal Meth and the addiction(s).  The IV users and the appearance of Tom and his partner, Dave and the other Frankie and Tony showed graphic demonstrations of the damage of long term use. Lee’s own growing paranoia and irrational behavior more evidence.

“This is not a substance I am able to chip.”  Kevin clearly observed.  “The multiple addictions it creates. The impossibly entwined sexual addiction and the chemical addiction added to the overwhelming amplification of sensations driven from the pleasure center of your brain while that tissue is being destroyed slowly with each use are all terrors for me.”  Kevin confided to Lee in a very candid glimpse into the foundations of Kevin’s being.

More questions, more understanding “the perception” and “the other” and more realization of power and control of this chemical substance pursued Kevin through the last days of Tori Beach.  That is not complaint but reality around Kevin in the crisis conditions of Tori Beach that were not visible to the outsider, or fully known to the intimate. 

The debt load of $2,000.00 a month to keep Tori Beach a functioning entity for the comfort of Lee & Kevin too much for Kevin to withstand as the only income and with the erratic hours created with Crystal Meth, six-day runs without sleep and the steady stream of men coming to play it is no wonder that the neighbors don’t complain.

The autopsy concluded.

The perspective today is from away from that once brilliant positive energy point created in love, respect and admiration for and of each other.  Tori Beach is now decomposing in the Florida glaring sunshine miles from where Kevin silently mourned all that once was.

“Coming to play?” Lee texts. “Next Tea is at 9:00.”

Playtime is over for Kevin.

Vibrational Victory

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 21, 2013

Vibrational Victory

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A great part of the success of the Tori Beach community in the very beginning was the purge of the negative vibrations and dissonant waves of Corey and Cami.  The exit of these energies early (within the first days) created the harmonic flow of energy from Lee and me and allowed the tuning of the waves to the foundational energy of the 60 year old home left vacant for too long.

When Theresa arrived to perform the Riki Blessing I had already salted the corners and gotten the sage out so the alignment of the house to Lee and Me became instinctive.

This “alignment” of Tori Beach is a great part of the foundation of love, acceptance and peace that ruled for all but the chemical death throes of this wonderful place, now mere memory.

For Lee and all those who experienced this wonderful and delightful place in space and time I have only love, admiration and fond memories.  For the addicts, the dealers, the Tweekers and casual observers and those other vile demons of mean-drunks and users the contempt delivered will be returned three times over and rapidly  as Instant Karma explodes in your faces.  A new Tori Beach is rising.

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Wasted Days & Wasted Nights

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 12, 2013

Wasted Days & Wasted Nights 10.12.13

I am nothing.

I am reviled if nothing else.

I am surviving as best I am able and that is not pretty in the now. 

One step at a time.

Twenty-one days free and the brain and body are just now beginning to function normally, whatever that is:

I have my internal clock restored,

my sleep cycle,

my digestion,

blood pressure,

brain chemistry and urinary tract stabilized at what is recognizable by me as “normal.” 

Lee is now summoned into “Substance Abuse Counseling by his Doctor as the announcement came tonight (9.22.13) I have kept my mouth shut and just reveled in the reality he is again less than 24 hours without dosing himself.  He is not yet human although he is trying to make motions, there is only the fear-base.

The reality, as I know today 10/12/13, is that Lee requested to speak to a counselor through the AIDS help programs and the substance abuse person is the only one qualified so that is what the counseling call was all about.  I’m sure that Lee is lost in this addiction and I know my friend is lost to me because of my position of getting and staying clean.

I have risked my life to gain the knowledge I hold and the strength to be here today, free and clean is that of the steely determination of this Loner and farmer who has faced addiction before.

Come Monday morning I will have the great experience of having a full mental evaluation completed by the Sun Coast Mental Health Center just to help me through this nightmare of recovery and return to “normalcy” that is my goal after taking the plunge into the seedy and disgusting underworld of Crystal Meth users, the trade and coming to understand the real damages this substance causes.

As for Lee, he moved out on 10/04/13 rather than face the reality of his drug-induced paranoia and  the addiction that is consuming him.  All this experience has arisen from what I observed and have verified by Lee in his introduction to this substance in May by Frankie on 4th Ave N and the resulting nightmare has turned my life upside down.  Lee is living with someone else now and has refused to communicate because of what he views as my irresponsibility and his paranoia drives that further into my being reviled and perhaps hated because I will speak the truth to him no matter what his chemically dependent brain registers.

Do I abandon a friend?

Of what value is that in this economic reality?

There are no white knights now or ever.

Don Quixote?

Don Miguel Ruiz and his Four Agreements rule my life now.

Carlos Constanieta’s Tales of Don Juan function as well as does Percival having the flesh wrent from his bones in the briars of life in search of the Holy Grail.  Nauguals or Demons, Bardo States one and all live within my reality today as a result of being witness to the walking cadavers of crystal meth, having the experience with the death of self this substance causes.

Tori Beach today lives within my heart, burned into the core of my soul, harmonizing with nature, healing, and bliss.  I will not allow this to be putrefied by the substance.
I have destroyed this manifestation, by my own hand.  Willingly, without provocation or real sorrow for the darkness it drew repulsed me, the positive energy so strong it drew the Merde Maelstrom of addiction reinforced on human and primate levels intertwined, tweeking, twisting and twirling from bubble to bowl to point and down the rabbit-hole, into the labyrinth of lies, distortions, hallucinations, black-outs, week-long days punctuated by night long orgies and sensory explorations amplified by chemistry.

The nightmare of crystal meth is the reality for Lee.  He now traffics the substance as a source of income and to support his habit while deteriorating more each day.  I nearly wept for the sight of his body with ribs exposed, gaunt and gray faced when last he was here. 

For me it is mental health exams, the Dr giving me a clean bill of health for my physical self but I still fear what is coming from the brief experience of delving into this world of addicts, peddlers and organized crime. I fear for my safety here on Tori Beach because of the reality of publishing my experience but will not be silent.

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Tori Beach Miracles 10.11.13

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 11, 2013

Tori Beach Miracles 10.11.13

Tori Beach Blooms

Tori Beach Blooms

This week past has been one of many changes and rapidly too

First and without hesitation there is a huge heart-felt thank you to the single donor who paid the electric and internet bills within an hour of the plea last week.  Karmic rewards are real and often happen in the here and now.

The miracles continued through the week and as of this morning I am the only resident at Tori Beach.  The solitude is gratefully encompassed this morning as the sunrise happens over the pure white sands of Tori Beach.  The exit of Lee a true heartbreak but accepted without argument or pain because we each must find our own paths through life and this good-bye was perhaps a bit over due.  The enabling and co-dependency of this relationship becoming very apparent since July led to the inevitable decision to terminate and separate.

Silence and solitude are what greet me now on a daily basis and that’s not a bad place to be these days..

Tori Beach Crowd Source 10.04.13

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 4, 2013

Tori Beach Crowd Source 10.04.13

This is a heartfelt and honest plea for assistance to help lift Tori Beach out of the dire straights that Tori Beach is in at this very moment.  Kevin Andrews, founder and sole proprietor has nothing, no resources left in life at this moment to continue to support Tori Beach.  Kevin has suffered severe emotional and economic damages from the exit of Lee, his friend of 16 years and house-mate for 2.  Along with the collapse of the financial health of Tori Beach the toll taken on Kevin’s health is tremendous.  Please help us keep Tori Beach alive with whatever donations you are able to make.

Tori Beach and it’s accompanying Tori Beach Foundation is a resource for recovery and growth of individuals within the Gay Male Community ravaged by the poison of crystal meth addiction.  There are success stories too numerous to recount in this plea for crowd source funding and although we average 6 success stories, 6 lives recovered every year we are solely funded at this moment from the resources of Kevin Andrews.

Kevin’s investment in lives recovered is a testament to his determination to make a real difference within his community one human at a time if required. The Dream of Tori Beach became reality in May of 2011 and has successfully operated since without major changes from opening.  Improvements from mental health professional’s involvement, growth of networking, expansion of the transitional homes and business partners has assisted in sustaining the great demand for these community based services.

The demands of Tori Beach are those of every household in the United States with the additional complications of medical attention for severely physically and emotionally depleted humans working to regain lives and livelihoods decimated by the multiple addictions of this horrific scourge on the Gay Community. Dentists, Mental Health Professionals, General Practitioner Physicians and Nursing professionals have all come together to volunteer and assist in training and development of the programs that work at Tori Beach when 12-step or faith based programs fail at alarming rates dealing with this horrifically addictive substance.

We operate outside of normal 12-Step Programs by individualizing the treatments and counseling of temporary residents while diligently placing them as rapidly as possible within supportive Gay Households who are certified substance-abuse free to insure role models that work for patterning of the new lives emerging from addiction.  A great portion of the work we do is exclusively involved with making a clean break from the enablers, the pushers, the peddlers of this poison and insuring that the clients have the ability to remain totally invisible and separate from their former associates while focusing on new ways of living and dealing with the everyday stresses of life.

Tori Beach has, in cost savings efforts over the past 6 months halted its normal high security activities at the main offices to focus on those among our client base who are deemed most at risk for retribution and assisting them in relocation and reestablishing lives within communities where they are unknown and unrecognized.  This powerful separation of the addict from the supply chain is a very great portion of the philosophy of Tori Beach’s anti-addiction programs.

At this very moment Tori Beach has $555.88 due to Duke Power Company by the end of business today on acct #7712900178 in the name of Kevin E Andrews to keep power on here on Tori Beach. 1-727-443-2641

Also the Internet, Verizon has an outstanding past due balance of $240.11 on acct # 0657547471 again in the name of Kevin Andrews. 1 800 837 4966

Kevin prays that some wonderful human will aid Tori Beach in this time of need as He watches his life and loves slowly slip away.  Kevin has no other options, no supportive family and “friends” demonstrate their fair-weather status by the droves. 

Kevin and we of the Tori Beach foundation have strongly resisted the interference of religious organizations.  Keeping the human message of love, acceptance, compassion and support for positive directions alive without the mythology, the dogma or the theocratic hierarchy. 

Our focus on understanding brain chemistry, human behavior and modification of that behavior has provided us with the success we’ve quietly enjoyed over the past several years.

Tori Beach herself is at severe risk at this moment with over $5,000.00 past due on lease and the eviction process working to remove me from this place founded on love, acceptance and freedom.  Donations to Kevin Andrews Through Bank of America may be made to this acct:

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kevin’s Plea:

I am begging anyone with any amount to please contribute to these worthy expenses of the costs of operation of Tori Beach as the resource for human care, compassion and constructive redirection of lives back into the mainstream of society.

Without your help we will no longer exist.

We are depending upon you, our readers to assist us in saving Tori Beach in the here and now.

Without your help, without your aid in this, our moment of dire need, we will no longer exist to provide the services, access to professionals, the removal of humans from abusive conditions and assistance in preparing them to return to society as fully functioning humans within this segment of society that is too often denigrated and by far too misunderstood to effectively utilize mainstream or 12-step programs.

A large part of the success of Tori Beach is the experience brought by Kevin and his peers in their having faced and overcome these addictions and moved successfully into rescue operations and providing a hand-up, never a hand-out.

Please, please; if you are able to contribute even $20.00, $50, or $100; you will make a dramatic difference in the lives of deserving men who’ve become entrapped by a social phenomenon within the Gay Community devastating our numbers at rates much higher than the AIDS epidemic did.

I am imploring you, if you haven’t donated to any cause, please donate to Tori Beach because of our 100% funding of services from donations with no administrative costs. 

For the patron out there who desires to assist with the endowment we are available 24/7 at Kevin’s personal phone of 727 637 5821.

Please help us continue in this worthwhile work and rescue of valued human lives by donations now. 

Tomorrow is too late for many of our community.