Activecitizen54's Blog

Wasted Days & Wasted Nights

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 12, 2013

Wasted Days & Wasted Nights 10.12.13

I am nothing.

I am reviled if nothing else.

I am surviving as best I am able and that is not pretty in the now. 

One step at a time.

Twenty-one days free and the brain and body are just now beginning to function normally, whatever that is:

I have my internal clock restored,

my sleep cycle,

my digestion,

blood pressure,

brain chemistry and urinary tract stabilized at what is recognizable by me as “normal.” 

Lee is now summoned into “Substance Abuse Counseling by his Doctor as the announcement came tonight (9.22.13) I have kept my mouth shut and just reveled in the reality he is again less than 24 hours without dosing himself.  He is not yet human although he is trying to make motions, there is only the fear-base.

The reality, as I know today 10/12/13, is that Lee requested to speak to a counselor through the AIDS help programs and the substance abuse person is the only one qualified so that is what the counseling call was all about.  I’m sure that Lee is lost in this addiction and I know my friend is lost to me because of my position of getting and staying clean.

I have risked my life to gain the knowledge I hold and the strength to be here today, free and clean is that of the steely determination of this Loner and farmer who has faced addiction before.

Come Monday morning I will have the great experience of having a full mental evaluation completed by the Sun Coast Mental Health Center just to help me through this nightmare of recovery and return to “normalcy” that is my goal after taking the plunge into the seedy and disgusting underworld of Crystal Meth users, the trade and coming to understand the real damages this substance causes.

As for Lee, he moved out on 10/04/13 rather than face the reality of his drug-induced paranoia and  the addiction that is consuming him.  All this experience has arisen from what I observed and have verified by Lee in his introduction to this substance in May by Frankie on 4th Ave N and the resulting nightmare has turned my life upside down.  Lee is living with someone else now and has refused to communicate because of what he views as my irresponsibility and his paranoia drives that further into my being reviled and perhaps hated because I will speak the truth to him no matter what his chemically dependent brain registers.

Do I abandon a friend?

Of what value is that in this economic reality?

There are no white knights now or ever.

Don Quixote?

Don Miguel Ruiz and his Four Agreements rule my life now.

Carlos Constanieta’s Tales of Don Juan function as well as does Percival having the flesh wrent from his bones in the briars of life in search of the Holy Grail.  Nauguals or Demons, Bardo States one and all live within my reality today as a result of being witness to the walking cadavers of crystal meth, having the experience with the death of self this substance causes.

Tori Beach today lives within my heart, burned into the core of my soul, harmonizing with nature, healing, and bliss.  I will not allow this to be putrefied by the substance.
I have destroyed this manifestation, by my own hand.  Willingly, without provocation or real sorrow for the darkness it drew repulsed me, the positive energy so strong it drew the Merde Maelstrom of addiction reinforced on human and primate levels intertwined, tweeking, twisting and twirling from bubble to bowl to point and down the rabbit-hole, into the labyrinth of lies, distortions, hallucinations, black-outs, week-long days punctuated by night long orgies and sensory explorations amplified by chemistry.

The nightmare of crystal meth is the reality for Lee.  He now traffics the substance as a source of income and to support his habit while deteriorating more each day.  I nearly wept for the sight of his body with ribs exposed, gaunt and gray faced when last he was here. 

For me it is mental health exams, the Dr giving me a clean bill of health for my physical self but I still fear what is coming from the brief experience of delving into this world of addicts, peddlers and organized crime. I fear for my safety here on Tori Beach because of the reality of publishing my experience but will not be silent.


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