Activecitizen54's Blog

Tori Beach Demise 9.5.13

Posted in Creative Construction by activecitizen54 on October 23, 2013

Tori Beach Demise 9.5.13

“The feeling within me now is one of performing an autopsy.”  Kevin painfully and cautiously admitted to Lee as they sat among the wreckage of the happy home they once enjoyed with comfort and ease of companionship without the “attachments” others expect and perceive.

“Lee, I freely admit to making a conscious decision.  I stopped and counted to 10 on three separate occasions prior to making the clear choice to unlock the death-grip on the door; flinging the damned thing away from me with all the intensity of the poison delivered to me.  I understood then, as I do now, why.”  Kevin explained with something less than that Buddha smirk running across his time furrowed face.  The event that precipitated that explosive act, disturbing a Saturday night cluster-fuck in the Gardener’s Cottage, the result of Tom’s near overdose.  Lee and Jim’s combined negative energies in reading the room for Kevin’s benefit only served to be icing on the cake of discontent..

“This mental masturbation today is intended to satisfy my need for your comprehension of why Tori Beach is destroyed and that brief Camelot of Happiness for Kevin washed away as if in Biblical flood as the act of a vengeful God.”  Resignation and failure flooded through the language, the tone of delivery measured and carefully constructed as the Mentor in Kevin rose to the surface attempting to mask the grief for the death of his inner child, his Imps and the acts of creation founded in love of and forTori Beach and all that transpired and expired there.

“I think I do understand.” Lee, listening intently, sifting, evaluating and respectfully considering the unfolding of the cadaverous conditions of life.  “It is the other, those perceptions and assumptions made by people outside the friendship we have becoming the trigger.”  Lee thoughtfully and accurately expressed with clear compassion and concern for his friend and occasional Mentor.

“There is a history, Lee.” painfully arose from Kevin.  “Throughout our lives, our friendship we’ve found each other at turning points, crisis or pinnacle as each case may be, all unique and all identical in the reality of those events happening and fate putting us in proximity each time.  This is our, and I know you abhor that reference to this thing between us, combined energy and combined issues.  Two independent humans, Giraffes, each guarding others back that has grown between us and that source of refuge and solace I find in your company is the result of our ability to communicate with each other in the same language.”

“I admit to a certain level of comfort with you but it’s this “other” that you speak of that I’m not so sure about.”  Lee directed his questioning carefully.  Are you speaking of the other men?  What is the other? 

“The Other is this sudden energy reversal; this holding opinions of others as valid, in fact more valid that what you and I know to be true.  Holding the negative and endorsing that through actions rather than words.  Allowing someone else to dictate behavior within our relationship and within our home from less than honest positions.  Does that make sense?”  Kevin inquired.

“I’m not a monogamously inclined human.  For me having 4, 5 or 6 playmates is a comfortable idea of how I want to live.”  Lee stated clearly.

“There are no complaints from me on those levels Lee, as long as my friend Lee is in life with me and we are moving in positive directions I am a happy man.”  Kevin’s admiration and affection for Lee apparent and problematic because of the “appearance” of being coupled.  Because of false observations of Kevin’s interest in Lee exclusively when playing in groups, the lies and fraud of a mean-drunk and the demand that our home become someone else’s closet all tipped Tori Beach into the black hole of joyless pain, created the merde maelstrom and death of Tori Beach. 

The clearly expressed “using other people, just as they use me.” statements from Lee a partial expression of explanation for Michael, Carlos, Frankie on 4th St and that introduced the chemical playtime of Crystal Meth and the addiction(s).  The IV users and the appearance of Tom and his partner, Dave and the other Frankie and Tony showed graphic demonstrations of the damage of long term use. Lee’s own growing paranoia and irrational behavior more evidence.

“This is not a substance I am able to chip.”  Kevin clearly observed.  “The multiple addictions it creates. The impossibly entwined sexual addiction and the chemical addiction added to the overwhelming amplification of sensations driven from the pleasure center of your brain while that tissue is being destroyed slowly with each use are all terrors for me.”  Kevin confided to Lee in a very candid glimpse into the foundations of Kevin’s being.

More questions, more understanding “the perception” and “the other” and more realization of power and control of this chemical substance pursued Kevin through the last days of Tori Beach.  That is not complaint but reality around Kevin in the crisis conditions of Tori Beach that were not visible to the outsider, or fully known to the intimate. 

The debt load of $2,000.00 a month to keep Tori Beach a functioning entity for the comfort of Lee & Kevin too much for Kevin to withstand as the only income and with the erratic hours created with Crystal Meth, six-day runs without sleep and the steady stream of men coming to play it is no wonder that the neighbors don’t complain.

The autopsy concluded.

The perspective today is from away from that once brilliant positive energy point created in love, respect and admiration for and of each other.  Tori Beach is now decomposing in the Florida glaring sunshine miles from where Kevin silently mourned all that once was.

“Coming to play?” Lee texts. “Next Tea is at 9:00.”

Playtime is over for Kevin.

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