Activecitizen54's Blog

Manic Monday 12.09.13

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on December 9, 2013

Manic Monday 12.09.13

The closure is settling. 

Thank the Gay Gods.

I stumbled across this interesting article about how words can change your brain and have to share because of my failure to uphold the 4 Agreements on a couple of occasions (OK a LOT of occasions) while dealing with the absolute outrage of betrayal, the anger of grief and the honest human that I work diligently to be every day.

A review that is more for me than anything else.

1) Be impeccable with your word.

2) Don’t make assumptions.

3) Don’t take anything personally.

4) Always do your best.

For me, with this coupled to my Buddhist:Right Thinking, Right Speech, Right Action; I diligently work to keep myself centered and happy without taking a toll on any other humans that I may come into contact.  The giggle in this is that I’m still 30% savings over the Christian 10 Commandments.

Over the course of doing battle with Addicts, their pushers and the pusher’s suppliers I have become strayed from the path and work now to put myself firmly back on.  Giving power to these leeches on life sucks any integrity, honor and value from the experience of this moment NOW.

I was clear with my friend Lee, who I love very much, that I had become dependent upon his, often opposing, point of view, contemporary culture understanding and sedate comportment.  The acceptance of Lee disappearing in late May or early June (The point my grieving process was denied) now aids me in moving rapidly into the place where I am able to say “what would Lee” and without much pain have that perspective unfold.

There is no short-cut in the process of grief. 

The true betrayal within the friendship with Lee was the use of “Trigger Words” that Lee was well aware of and that were discussed and understood between us on several occasions.  Lee, a true narcissist like Victor, is charming and very much the sociopath on the levels of instilling trust and very adept utilizing information gained to manipulate others to do his dirty work.  That process played out in its totality as “the fight that is most important” became real within life again.

For a survivor of Addicts, Alcoholics, Abuse on mental and physical levels the shock of realization of the dynamic playing out triggered the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the resurrection of The Game.  I heard carefully crafted messages delivered by others and, with the understanding of their authorship, sent misdirecting responses while steeling myself for the confrontation that I knew was on the way.

So, in being kind to myself, I have undertaken the project of training Ryka, a Wolf Husky hybrid who is an absolutely delightful animal with a personality of a bouncing 3 or 4 year-old at just 18 weeks. In the past 3 days she has mastered basic obedience training for sit, stay, down, heel & stand from voice and hand signals.  She is such an intelligent animal that without the active involvement in learning and being occupied that, out of boredom, she will tear up papers, dig, get into mischief in the bath or kitchen cupboards.  Like humans she demonstrates exactly how the word changes her comportment and behavior.  With the constant and consistent positive reinforcement I have house-broken (potty trained) her in just 48 hours while I was her sole caregiver.  Today with Corey & Allie “Having Discussions” she is agitated and aggressive and went into the house, down the hall and defecated in the doorway of the bedroom where the disturbed energy arose. A clear assessment and comment expressed she returned to her normal, happy and playful self when I took her out and walked her as far away from the sharp voices as I could get. .

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