Activecitizen54's Blog

Winter Solstice 12.13.13

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on December 14, 2013

Winter Solstice 12.13.13

The Winter Solstice, the longest reign of Darkness on this planet all year is soon upon us and the light will begin to return.  The announcement for this event, this first day of Winter is the Geminid Meteor Showers approaching peak now.  One is only able to imagine how these celestial events shaped the man of myth and mystery who was not yet fully cognizant of what we today take for scientific fact from observation.  Sometimes I wish a little more mystery remained.

It’s early on Saturday Morning after having survived another Friday the 13th unscathed.  It was a beautiful night, a little too much cloud cover for star gazing but a wonderfully refreshing winter night in the subtropics where the teeth of the north winds has tempered from the warm water and the distance from arctic to here.

I miss my friend Lee more than he can ever imagine because I’m sure I am absolutely reviled and detested at this moment as a result of my strong desire to save him from the crystal meth addiction that is consuming him beyond a shadow of a doubt.  At this point I would eagerly see him imprisoned just to know that he would receive treatment and perhaps return to his right mind.  What I miss most about Lee this moment is his quiet and dependable companionship more than anything in life.  The abuse I sustained is and was undeserved because I did my flat out level best to insure his safety and well being from the time he came through my door to become an integral part of life.  A part that now causes excruciating agony in the pointed separation and the methods applied to attain that separation being totally unnecessary.

I love my friend Lee but this is not a romantic “in love” with the man I’ve known and become comfortable sharing space and time with because of who he was.  The Lee who lied to me, the Lee who takes great pride in inflicting pain, the Lee who clearly is unable to put himself in another’s shoes now is not the gentle soul, the quietly brilliant observer or the playfully humorous man who endeared himself to my heart and became, perhaps a little, taken for granted as a constant in our 16 years of friendship.  My lessons of pain from attachment are driven home many times over with the losses this past year.

My Imps, my familiars in the Red Sided Eclectus Parrots; murdered by poison as threat to me is understood now.  The loss of a trusted and valued friend to a chemical and pack of primates unworthy of his attention or participation in their troop.  The discovery of the death of my child as a result has aged me and taken a toll that heart-attacks, strokes, diabetes and all the ills of the world couldn’t exact.  I refuse to become bitter and hold fast to the hope that one day my friend Lee will come to his senses and grasp the very real value of a friend who is dog-loyal; put his interests above self; worked diligently while going broke and provided to the very best of his ability the day to day needs of his friend from freedom to food to shelter and failed.  It is that pain of failure to deceit that burns deeply into my soul as nothing else is able.  I am not allowed the same simple joys or sorrows of other humans.  The expectation is that I be above and beyond all the very real frailties of being human and I am only human.  I am not super-man.

From today’s vantage in the Mobile Mansion, quietly enjoying the dawn and experiencing the pain of reliving these events while producing literature and screen play that drives home these points more than ever.  I was not allowed and I am not allowed the same anger, the same depth of expression, the same freedom to be me that I provided to Lee and above all the clear statement of “will not care” perhaps more damaging than the “worthless” description applied by primates unable to value themselves.

There is no resolution to this now or ever. The only resolution will be when Lee’s obituary is published and I know that I’ve been denied the joy of a friend, a companion forever because of his own choice to self-destruct with the Frankies on 4th Ave N, the Jew Jims, the Michaels, the subversive Charlie and all the others having apparently no value to themselves either and to devalue self is the cost of entry to the pack. 

I am unable to reduce myself to those levels now for anyone ever.  I tried to rescue my friend.  I went there with him willingly to attempt to understand the attraction, the need, the power of this battery acid and Drain-O salts chemical titillation of one’s brain.  I am now and was then unable to sustain the absolute destruction of self, of self-worth, of self-love that is required to plunge to the depths I’ve witnessed my friend eagerly attaining and the result is that I am alone.

This is not the Buddhist all-one of alone that sustained me through Deborah Jane Wagner Osborne Andrews; the all-one that led my tortured self to attempt total obliteration as a result of Mikey the Beer Sponge and the Beer Sponge Catholic Guilt and endorsed alcoholism and hate.  This is not the all-one that carried me through the Dangerous Dan and his thieving family of liars and low-life scum without scar.  This is not the all-one that carried me through Victor and the havoc of a died in the wool narcissist unable to rise above the level of his dick now or ever. 

Today I am alone in the world on levels that are too glaringly apparent to ignore and move past in this moment.  I am disposed of because of my love and desire to protect a friend who is no true friend but exposed as one more primate out to use anyone and everyone to gain that tiny moment of little death in orgasm, in drug exhilaration or high or personal gratification from inflicting pain that is unwarranted, undeserved but delivered with a sadistic glee that is only able to be seen as demonic; not of the man I know or the man I love and lived with with great joy and bliss in each moment.

I am wealthy beyond anyone’s wildest imagination for having the experience of absolute Nirvana on Earth with the union of souls; the bonding of minds; the undeniable strength of two minds joined in one goal in joy and bliss.  I know in my heart and soul that this is possible because I have achieved this with my friend Lee in ways that no other human has ever shared within my life, within my head or within my heart and all without being in my bed.  I mourn the passing of my friend Lee who many assess as unworthy but who stood by me; steadfast and sure providing to me the honor of having the ability to reach out and stroke his back, his arm and quietly, reverently tell him: “You are a good man Montgomery Lee Freeman.”

I miss his humor.  I miss his vocabulary faux pas and idiosyncrasies more than I miss his lopsided smile, the fragrance of his warm body passing me or the contented purr for happy that I became so accostumed to being in life with me, next to me, willingly sharing the sorrows and joys and moving in positive directions out of respect, admiration and combined goals to be attained.  I miss the joy of knowing my friend Lee will be right there next to me today, tomorrow or next year and all because of the poison of crystal meth, the insincere and evil friend.  I am mortally wounded as a result and will not just lay down and die because while I still draw breath in this plane of existence my energy, my very spirit and soul holds fast to the hope that my friend Lee will one day become conscious of the value and esteem he is held within now and always just because of who I know him to be.

I love my friend Lee and I will not ever apologize or be diminished by that very real core concept in my life.

Hope springs infernal within my heart and soul as long as I draw breath that one day, one fine day; maybe in Spring I will see my friend Lee’s smiling and happy face, know him by the radiant glow of health our partnership helped him attain and have, once again, my friend restored in life through forgiveness, love, trust and understanding of who I am as much as I extended to him and continue to extend to him today, tomorrow and always.  Love of this kind does not die or turn to bitterness.  The love of a true, honest and upright friend grows ever stronger and without tarnish as the years move forward.  There may be distance and separation now but perhaps, in time, my friend Lee will again appear in life and I will know the joy of Nirvana attained.

Lee, I love you friend.  You are unable to change that.  You are unable to poison that.  Lee you are worthy of love from self-love to romantic love to the love of those who know you and wish only the best in this life, in this world, in this now for you.  A love that sacrifices self to insure your happiness and is now again congealed within my core with the knowledge that you do know this love within yourself is true.  I wish only that you extend what I freely give to you to the priceless gift of Montgomery Lee Freeman who I know as friend.

Happy Holidays Friend Lee.  You are sorely missed.  You are deeply mourned.  You are a treasured and valuable human for whom I have done everything and anything within my meager human power to assist in coming to love yourself.  You are a good man Lee and I know that from the views into your heart and soul you provided to me with a smile.

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