Activecitizen54's Blog

Christmas All-One 12.25.13

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on December 25, 2013

Christmas All-One 12.25.13

This Christmas is a healing and recovery time for me after the trials and tribulations of an evil and insincere friend and the addictions he brought to Tori Beach.

I’ve taken time, actually made time to send my deepest thanks off to a true savior in my life and he is family.  A nearly unheard of act within the dysfunctional and abusive family ego mass I separated from early and have kept at arm’s length for a life time.  Odd how fate, God or whatever you believe made this miracle in life happen.

As the Christians celebrate the birth of their Buddha I am very much reminded of Mohatmas Ghandi saying: “I like your Christ very much, but Christians not so much.”

2,000 years of man’s mythology bringing war, economic disparity, fueling bigotry and racism, sexism and a thousand other “isms” all in the name of a true Buddha whom they fail to grasp the messages he brought. 

I miss my Imps tonight more than I thought possible.  I had absolutely no awareness of how much of my time on this Earth they consumed creating Joy to absolute Bliss for me in the now.

I miss my friend Lee, but grasp why he hides like a coward and continues on his self-destructive path of slow suicide by needle. I am past the point of pity for him, beyond sympathy, moved through the anger and have no choice but accept that this is the path he is traveling and I’m not going there now or ever.  It wounds my soul to know that I am unable to rescue, care for or encompass this primate Montgomery Lee Freeman within my life.  The results of that last open endeavor are the ashes of Tori Beach and my broken heart from the loss of a man I once admired and care deeply for his health, safety and welfare.  I did my best.

I pray that one day my friend Lee will reappear but my knowledge tells me that less than 10% of first year addicts survive through recovery and by the second year of addiction less than 8%.  The picture isn’t pretty for those consuming the salt produced from Battery Acid & Drain-O for “recreation.”

Perhaps I’m just getting old.  There is no attraction to checking out of life for me.  There is no attraction to the “enhancement” experienced when the knowledge of the destruction of the brain tissues that generate pleasure in one’s brain are being fried by the chemical bath.  No attraction to the Meth-Rage that always accompanies the chemical alteration as the brain seeks to generate the same levels of intensity of feelings that the Meth bath does to one’s brain.  Substitute serotonin for dopamine and rage to the same intensity as the Meth creates.  12 to 14 times more stimulus in the pleasure center of the brain than sex or chocolate and in this Gay Community the sex is purely recreational and the drug intended to feed the addictions of sex and chemical alterations.  Been there, done that and the crash is just not worth it for me.  Perhaps I was saved by the neurontin/gabapentin or cetalopram that I consume daily.  I have no idea but I was obviously spared the brunt of the addictive qualities of this substance.

Lee was not so fortunate and by July he was hallucinating visually, auditory and locked in a paranoid delusion that focused upon me as the one man who spoke out clearly in providing facts of what the damages are.  I failed at this rescue too.

Motzart’s Ein Kline Nacht Music is playing in the background.

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