Activecitizen54's Blog

Weird Wednesday 2.19.14

Posted in Uncategorized by activecitizen54 on February 19, 2014

Weird Wednesday 2.19.14

Strange day today.

Conversation with Lee and then email from me:


It’s been 4 months since I heard from you.

I just called and spoke with you and the rather cryptic answers are more telling than the truth of: “Lee, it’s 10 years; really?”  The answer from you is: “It may have been 10 years but, it’s not like it’s 10 years.”

Lee; are you still sane?

The calendar and the time and date stamps on emails, photographs spanning a decade or more are not manufactured or alterable.
Time and laughter shared is real and honest; why do you deny reality?.
Quiet times and plain companionship (which apparently has absolutely no meaning or value for you) are the keynotes of all that time.
We have been friends, not lovers, not partners but friends Lee.
I will not apologize for being candid in: “I love my friend Lee.” I am infinitely sorry for one as impoverished as you for being ashamed of honesty, respect, compassion and caring as a friend would. That is real and that is recorded history.
The demonstration is clear from you Lee.

Do you detest yourself so deeply that you are unable to grasp how anyone could befriend you?

The dichotomy here is: “Kevin, you are not responsible.” and the reality that: “Kevin is the only responsible party.” still plays on.  Held harmless, without responsibility but intent to harm is clear, documented, defined and displayed for a world to see.  Why?

“I’m not interested.”  I hear from you.

Just what is it that you aren’t interested in Lee?

Friendship, honesty, courage, creation and quiet enjoyment of life?

Just what is it?

I have no fear Lee.

I have intense curiosity as I honestly wonder why?
What possible motivation?

2013 wasn’t a good year for me; thanks for the compassionate stand, friend.

Life goes on for me in shapes and forms that are unique but twisted from experiences.  I’m sure you would concur with the invasion of privacy (deleting photos from my phone, stealing while I’m on a date, invading my privacy by manipulation of Others) those just from my experiences.  Reality of life with a sociopath?  A narcissist?

“If I have my world and others have their worlds then why should I give a shit about anyone’s world but mine?”

Friends “give a shit” Lee.

Got many left?

Bait & Switch, Bully & Lie, Abuse & Denigrate, Real Grief & Mourning for loss.
Did I see any support, caring or compassion?
I have no regrets.  I hold no animosity.  I recognized and understood the players, the thieves, the addicts; I didn’t recognize my friend Lee among them though.  That recognition came much later with malice, forethought and manipulation of others.  Documented and filed for future profit.
Lee and I, friends for over 10 years and housemates for 2.5 were apparently too good to last.  The reality is the reality and there is no other perspective.
I honestly love my friend Lee, not as lover but as friend, fellow traveler on the journey of life.  I make no apology for being able to honestly say: “I love my friend Lee.” The meaning clear to this day.
The creature who tortured and twisted life as I knew it is not friend Lee but the cadaver of that once vibrant human poisoned by his own hand.  I bleed and tear my hair out in agony over the pain of the experience of Lee’s slow suicide, his murder of conscious, altered reality created from chemical imbalance and dysfunction within what once was a beautiful and direct mind.
I wish I could understand the desire to do this.  Why the escape?  Why the secrecy?  Why the animus to pure hate?  These are founded in self and the man I know as Montgomery Lee Freeman had no reason to feel these things of him self.
Perhaps I understood this undercurrent of “self-loathing” and that’s why I directed my attention toward reinforcing the positive for Lee.  I was candid about touch therapy and delivering positive messages without shame, accusation or anything but fact.  I am a care-giver by nature and nurture is instinctive for me.
What would be different had I “Just ignored” Lee, Jim and the Crystal Meth Ego Mass of St Pete?
Quite honestly; I would not be alive.  I know in my heart of hearts that had I blindly followed the pack; had I become the addict that I see in Lee today, I would’ve eagerly done myself in to just stop the suffering.  Compassionate action and respect of self held me in good stead although I failed miserably at being successful in keeping Tori Beach for a playpen or a closet for the all important “Other.”
How am I able to say to this day that “I love my friend Lee?”
That man still exists within my experiences.  That Montgomery Lee Freeman is still contained in the husk of human that hides, lives in fear, lashes out in pain of self-recognition but absolves himself of any responsibility.
It is all Kevin.  Always has been; always will be.
Kevin is not responsible in paying the bills.
Kevin is responsible for being honest, not holding secrets, not withholding information of any kind candid to the point of “tell the truth first; they’ll never believe it anyway.”
Kevin murdered his birds.
Kevin created the expectation and the disappointment.
Kevin is honest and direct with nasty Jews and compromise of household finances.
Kevin withstood the attacks, the economic warfare and the reality of 2/3 of the responsibility to Lee’s 1/3.
Kevin held Lee harmless in lease, in all but the water bill and Lee can’t be honest about that now or ever.

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