Activecitizen54's Blog

Suicide Sunday 09.14.14

Posted in Creative Construction by Kevin Andrews on September 15, 2014

Suicide Sunday 09.14.14

Suicidal Sunday is here!

Yee-Fracking-Haw!

The Blue Jays are out in force this morning doing their ‘Crash Gordon,’ no holds barred, stress-test the stubby-wings & tail while priming the landing gear for the inevitable bounce, as the peanut is snatched-up in bill, as only a touch & go, aircraft carrier ship pilot is able to appreciate. Raptors have nothing on these fighter-pilots of the sky either, with the Jays’ absolutely fearless attack on anything viewed as a threat to their home turf. Just thinking about the math these blue-missiles of energy transference live, calculate trajectory and plan, instinctively imbued, and my poor physics mathematician brain goes into overload.

The only creature that I hold more reverence for is the Hummingbird. Hummingbirds truly live in the now and hold the ability to fly backward. Add iridescent plumage, a pure and fearless heart that will look you in the eye and their helicopter pilot life is envious.

The Bushy-Tailed Tree Rats are snatching up peanuts from the deck too, bouncing around as if on a trampoline, acting as if they owned the place while I simply utilize them for Cooper’s Hawk bait. These silly acrobats have decimated the hibiscus blooms all summer, climb across the screens on the lanai for their entertainment, all while the wooden fences become highways with the utility lines and poles as expressways.

Today is one of those days when I am absolutely amazed at just how fearless these critters truly are. Just as in my childhood, the natural world knows I mean no harm and do no harm. I am an ethical human holding respect of & for life.

The great pain and agony this morning is the general economic condition life in the United States it exists today.

President Eisenhower, still only a General, is the point where I entered this experience of American life. Spawn of McCarthy? No, the anti-Thesis is more accurate. A true American, Butch Dairy Queen Naturalist, second generation for 75%, the remaining 25% from Native North American, very resentful for the Illegal Immigration of the Western European.

We don’t ‘blame’ or ‘shame’ in our way of life. Mother Earth, Family, Tribe & Nation are upheld, revered and protected with body & spirit given to me from this place. At my instinctive genetic drive is preservation, harmony and union with this miracle that is you & me.

That is perhaps much too high a standard to hold the Western European to with their Missionary of Hate telling lies, fomenting hate.

The “Savages” they must exterminate.

Convert or die?

It is way too late.

Learned in our lodges, this Congress & Senate, with all in agreement for those the People sent to represent, by vote in their houses or actions of valor. All People represented from all Nations connected by family, freedom and Tribe, vote now in our Counsels by voice all duly elected. The Elders debate and then engage the Tribes, all voices considered and then decide. We live by agreement with nature and all others.

Your Democracy, as practiced by we Native North Americans, is corrupted by Corporate Zombies, Cannibal Cults, who take your money and enslave all with fear and guilt. Their Poison & Toxins now injected into Earth, our Fountain of Water’s blessings, once pure, now is lost.

What they did to our Nations once strong, true and proud, is boiled in oil pulled up from under ground to where we all must live, to fly in the air. Poisoning all that we breathe. That’s truth of the wicked wampum you worship. Legitimized Bribery, Theft, Terror, Torture and Treason, Politics Polluted as sure as this Earth by the same Zombie constructs your law reveres.

Murdering the Sea’s blessing with glee, the streams, rivers and mountain tops too, polluted and hollowed-out or spewed on the ground. Now pulled up and pushed up in termite like mounds. Like ants in the hive, their group-think confirmed, their industry burns, churns and rapes all like their cattle and sheeples, in fear of their self-extermination, too ill to retaliate.

Where is the Eagle? Owl, Falcon or Hawk, replaced now with drones, planes and bombs, spying eyes where we walk.

The Moose, Elk, Deer, Bison or Antelope no longer roam the plains free. Replaced with your boundaries, barbed wire on me.

The fish in the streams, no longer fit to eat, are marinated in chemicals you spray into all that we eat.

The Smog and pollutants into the mountains and sea bring special promotions of Mercury & Acid Rain now eating the seas and the trees.

The Reefs are dying, our Mother Earth’s lungs for carbon sequestration like Coral Reefs, Mountains and Trees are flaming and spewing, bone dry soon will be, from the fever Mother Earth is running from your coal and gasoline.

“Clean Coal!” You may puppet-like decree, I admire BLIND-FAITH.

I chose observable reality.

The storm fast approaching will grind out this madness.

Mother Earth is resilient, like the Phoenix from the ashes, seen many changes through the ages laid down in the rocks, like Trilobites forgotten the eons still pass. What kind of impression will your fossil cast? Its not just your future you kick in the ass, but all that’s before you because we just don’t last. Until you return the very same substance you are addicted to and burn, into this Earth, you are the Global Terrorists & Genocide of Suicide Sunday’s birth.

This Earth is my Mother, Father & Siblings in life now, so ask how do you treat them?  

I may look to see all.

Stand tall, take a bow.

Its Suicide Sunday each day that unfurls, this Oil, this Meth-Like Addiction is in this Matrix revealed.

Weekend Warrior 08.23.14

Posted in The Cost of War by Kevin Andrews on August 23, 2014

Weekend Warrior 08.23.14.

 

 

The Constitution is a living document that leads me to the positions, often resembling the blond in me, of absolute amazement from seeing contemptuous and UN-Constitutional actions from Government Officials. 

The bigotry coupled with corruption of soul, the culture, the foundation creating execution for Jay-Walking, Murder by Strangulation, the absolute Contempt of Humanity that exists today within & without AmeriKKKa.  From  the Gateway to the West, the Heartland of America is under attack.  (In my humble opinion.)

The bloated and abusive Corporate Super-Person, The Dynasty of Death, The Propagandist Tabloid TV , with images designed to discredit, denigrate & demonize the Citizens that “Corporate Super-Person” intentionally creates as “The Most Feared Other” today.

From the smoke-screens in Ferguson to Central & South America and now the Middle East, AGAIN, playing War because of things like: The Eric Prince flight to Dubai, Halliburton Bloat, Al Quada, The Taliban and now ISIL is the “Most-Feared Other,” the enemy Citizen on the streets of Ferguson too, The Corporate Army is here.  The War Profiteers need to feed their greed. The Bansksters & Wall Street Fraudsters have vacuumed the prosperity off Main Street in economic embargo through Obstruction of Congress. 

Every bomb dropped is a Wind Turban, Bullet Train or an entire Community Educated and fed. Why do we imprison more humans than any other government, for a plant, or chemical? 

The War On Drugs long declared.

To enrich the Corporate Super-Person.  Citizens are the Enemy and the imprisoned; a revenue source vacuumed off Main Street. Congratulations American Citizens; you’ve become a valuable commodity, soon to be traded.

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.” The Preamble.

This is what OUR Constitution guarantees to the Free Citizens of the United States. 

There are no curfews, no Militarized Police creating riots, by their own Contempt of “THE ENEMY Citizen.”  Using Tear Gas, manipulating a national scandal to distract the Citizenry to allow inflaming the “New Perpetual State of War” that this United States Government, by the power of corporate interests only, turns the Citizens of Ferguson, Mo. into that “Most-Feared Other” or “Domestic Terrorist.”  Always required to manipulate the unaware, the less-informed of this Nation’s creation too.

Look at the charming Reich Wing behavior from a Northwoods Document and Gestapo of Holy Christ-O-Fascists, Fearful fundamentalists, who bite the hand that feeds them after raping the “Global Economy” and clearly declaring WAR ON MAIN STREET.

The “Bill Of Rights,” amendments to the Constitution are here for the New York City Police, Ferguson too, for your clearer understanding of just who serves whom. 

To Serve & Protect?

“I CAN’T BREATHE!

HAND’S UP, DON’T SHOOT!

Military Equipment and Assaults Prior to Curfew?

The Gestapo State is watching, 1984 long past fruition.

..

Manic Monday 08.18.14

Posted in Creative Construction, The Cost of War by Kevin Andrews on August 18, 2014

Manic Monday 08.18.14

Ferguson, Missouri 8/18/14.

The War On Main Street is raging down Florissant Road, with beautiful Military attacks on the Enemy/Citizens of Ferguson.

Let’s just stop and think about that for a minute here:

1) This Suburb of St Louis, mostly bedroom community,once White now has 60% Black, Latino or other culturally diverse Citizens who are denied their Constitutional Right to Peaceful Assembly by the Bigoted, Bumbling, Glorified Hall Monitors holding their Citizens in Contempt. 

The Ferguson Police Department, in this instance, is no better than the Israeli invasion of Gaza and is complete with FAA ordered “No Fly Zones” to insure the Police Helicopters (Think Sarah Palin hunting wolves.) are unobstructed.  A “State of Emergency,” declared by tone-deaf idiots who have no place in the public square and demonstrate contempt of Constitution and their Citizens is in place.

2) The local Constabulary is “Diverse, representative of the community,”  with only 3 officers of ethnicity other than Caucasian.  What a great demonstration of credibility that is from the Police.

3) Michael Brown, executed for Jay-Walking with a friend and witness, dead at the scene with an alleged Drive-By EMS call, is shot 6 or more times by Darren Wilson, recognized by the statements from Chief Thomas Jackson, and the officer leaves the scene of the crime.

4) This Officer Wilson, with his execution for Jay-Walking complete, also defiles a crime scene, responded to by a superior officer, Wilson leaves and the body of Michael Brown left in the street for 4 hours.  This very same police force charged another human with “Getting blood on their shirts” because they beat him senseless just for fun, I’m sure.

5) The absolute acts of a corrupt culture and inept police acts of refusing to provide the name of the Officer involved in the shooting.  This performance of Guilty Glorified Hall Monitors with Military Toys and Contempt of those “damned Citizens,” you know the “Domestic Terrorists & Drug Lords” who live there are contained in the Video History of the Opening Shot of the War On Main Street.  From NY to Miami and Los Angeles this Militarized  Police presents hundreds of times each minute in AmeriKKKa today.

6) The State Police send Captain Ron Johnson who joined the peaceful protest as he is Resident Citizen{The Enemy} in State Gestapo robes being human, humane and compassionate.

7) The Gestapo State strikes against it’s Citizens/Enemy/Most-Feared Other under the guise of “To Protect & Serve” their terrified aristocracy of The Military/Industrial/Congress who, with clear intent to Corporate Super-Person protect against the Enemy/Evil Citizens protesting Murder for Jay-Walking, (choke holds & Failure to obey an officer of the Court, The Law) or responding to shop-lifting, bullying or thuggishness. 

No different than the FBI never having an “accidental or unjustified shooting.”  The fox guards the hen house.

8) Rinse, Spin, Slander, Slur & Repeat methodology aside, America and The Globe is seeing unrest in the mean Streets of a United States Government-declared War On Drugs, War On Main Street, Wars Of Lies with the easily identified fatalities of your and my sons or daughters next. 

Hands-Up, Don’t Shoot!

9) A much loved and valued human being is dead, gunned down in the streets.  Parents grieve, family & friends, hard-working neighbors, loyal to a once great nation, are now “The Enemy” by the very well military-armed, willfully-ignorant and inept Local Gestapo’s demonstration. 

The Police continue to demonstrate that their Loyalty is to the State.  The Citizens of Ferguson are declared the Enemy of the State. 

Attacked and Police Controlled with Military Actions against their peacefully protesting.  The Citizens Constitutional Rights to Assembly and address grievances to the State, the very people they pay to keep themselves, their neighbors, property & lives safe, approach Citizens in fear and contempt because of their knowledge of guilt.

10) God loves Michael Brown.  Michael Brown’s Mother & Father, Family & Future will now suffer this loss.  My deepest condolences to all the Brown Family.

11) Solution?  The Ferguson Cops think that their smear-campaign against a murdered young adult, with no “criminal record.” (An accomplishment in and of its self with the attitudes, the Police culture of, “they are the enemy & we out-gun them!”)  This an obscenity, a reality demonstrated here and now. 

Even if a cocky, thuggish young man reached into the vehicle of the cop; is murder justified? 

Where is the Justice? 

Is Darren Wilson in custody? 

This is Domestic Abuse on a Community and Cultural Scale that is disgustingly Primate from the State and astoundingly peaceful from those identified by the State Of Missouri as being “Enemy,” you know their Citizens. 

How does one in Missouri tell the difference between Freedom and the Police State?

This from the New York Times. “The role of the National Guard will be limited, Mr. Nixon said in a statement. Troops will protect the police command center here, which the authorities said came under a coordinated attack on Sunday night.” The Governor afraid of his Citizenry, with good reason, lifts the curfew.

Were I close enough or well heeled enough I would be there with the prayer that every United States Citizen stand up and shout: “Hands-UP, Don’t Shoot!”

I would love to see America present a unity to send the message now that our political divisions be damned!

YOU ARE VIOLATING MY CIVIL RIGHTS!  WE ARE ALL FERGUSON, MISSOURI!

HANDS-UP, DON’T SHOOT.

I pray for Americans to take an active stand now.  I would be overwhelmed with joy to see Ferguson flooded with Citizens all shouting “Hands-UP, Don’t Shoot!” from the interstate to surround the police until the Feds finish their whitewash “Investigation.”

One should understand we live in Bush-Lite Matrix and that is surely without any concern but profit. 

How is it possibly profitable to divide our Citizens into “Class Warfare” to the Real War On Main Street? 

It is all driven by fear and greed.

The Heist of History complete but the reign of Terror seeks new markets, new fodder for corporate prisons.

Poison our Air our Water too, please may I have another, Sir?

The Wars of Lies are coming home to roost.

5:30 pm EST, OK, update post Obama Statements:

President Obama is into his “Grown-Up Politics” mode.  Blame the victim, praise the system, define a pipe-dream in the face of this reality of this Fascist Government.  More “safe involvement, without boots on the ground” (800 or 1,000 already there) for Iraq. 

Democrats resemble cat-herding idiots (I am an equal opportunity offender). From this Democrat named Nixon right down to the Freddie Kruger Wilson with the Chief Clown in residence being the profusely sweating Tom-ass Jackson and his, Poisoned by Pinochet hero-worship world, brings the new Military toys out to play. 

What an America we live in.

This is no Pissing Match to We The People.

The time is now to come out with full-throated demand for Darren Wilson’s indictment. 

An American Leader has the same future as Kennedy were they to stand against the current racists applications of a War On Drugs that is a War On Main Street that feeds the greed like the Wars of Lies and ego and dick size or Buy-Bulls.  Dynasty of Death and Vampire Squids pale to the Assault on Main Street USA with this Gestapo Policing, FUBAR Department of (In)Justice of the Eric Holder & BFF’s failure through fear.  The System protects it’s own.

Can you imagine a past President being Indicted, brought to trial, convicted and imprisoned?  I can and Iceland did it

Why on God’s Green Earth Can’t We The American People?

The myth of American Exceptional-ism still exists.  Americans may be proud of being Number ONE, 1, uno, einse & hold that place twice.

We are first in an apparent racist rush in IMPRISONING our fellow Citizens for non-violent crimes.  A real Global Example of sharia law so feared in front of the cameras for all to see and the growth industry of Corporate Prisons Inc.  How compassionate and completely Draconian is the Failed Prohibition?

The Wars ON:

Drugs, Main Street USA, On Journalism, The Constitution, the “Terrorist,” the Women of the USA, Privacy War, War, War.

Americans are damned well just War weary and your greedy fat cat inherited cash ass is no better than mine.  Will Rogers Said it best in the last Gilded Age:  “America has the best Government money can buy.”

A real American Leader stands up and speaks out as FDR did and as President Obama has the opportunity still; hope springs infernal.

A real American Leader stands on the platforms of all those that came before him and a real opportunity exists RIGHT NOW to make the shift, push the change and tell this Nation’s Greediest that the 50% tax, the Social Security Cap removed, the proceeds to direct aid to American Main Streets and businesses brutalized by the abuse of Vulture capitalism and in dire need of facing Social Responsibility. 

A real American Leader has a Congress willing to Invest in the Nation they Raped in 8 with “Deficits don’t matter” ChainE/Dubya reign of torture & terrorism.  They aided and abetted in The Heist Of History and what is more fitting for the Dynasty of Death but profit from War, unrest?

That’s really the bottom line of this.  Where is the integrity of soul required to stand in the bully pulpit and repeat FDR?

Then just freaking do it.

November is coming…

 

Freaky Friday 08.15.14

Posted in Creative Construction by Kevin Andrews on August 14, 2014

Freaky Friday 08.15.14

The house is quiet this morning as I’m getting my coffee on the patio.  Florida Summer is here and I love this steam-heat and tropical rains.  I am in my element here with sunshine and cool sea breezes gently nudging the palm fronds into whispers.  I’m doing OK today since the back has decided to repair its self again although I’m sure it will jump up and bite me again it appears as if we have a truce today.  That’s a good thing for me.

The past few weeks have seen the escalation of the War On Main Street with murder by Gestapo Police recorded on camera with choke-holds and the Militarized Police showing off their Army surplus toys to intimidate after having gunned down an unarmed teen in Missouri while refusing to disclose the name of the officer responsible.  It is all too clear that this Gestapo of the Government’s creation is Hell-Bent on the oppression of the people.

The System of Government is intentionally broken and at the root of this lies the Holy Republican Cannibal Cults of Jeebus Inc as the Meat-Puppets for their Corporate Masters.  Our Democratic Republic is purchased and we are all paying the price in loss of liberty and opportunity within this once great nation brought to her knees by the ChainE-Dubya Administration and continued through the Bush-Lite of Obama.

At no time in American History has a political party declared War on the American Citizens but the Holy Republican Cannibal Cults of Jeebus Inc have done that since the shredding of our Constitution by the ChainE-Dubya administration of Torturers, Traitors and Treasonous bastards who lied us into war for their own enrichment.  These histories of the Dynasty of Death and Part 2 are the clearest statements of just how America has become the Gestapo State. 

We have a Do-Nothing Congress and worse a Do-Nothing Department of Injustice with Eric Holder & BFF letting the Banksters and Wall Street Fraudsters walk free and by not bringing charges against the War Profiteers and the Administration of Lies and Treason.  Add to this a racist and bigoted Reich Wing Tea Party driving the Holy Republican Cannibal Cults of Jeebus into insanity and War On Main Street and the demise of America is upon us. 

The murder of the United States of America began with warning from Ike Eisenhower about the Military Industrial Complex, continues through the assassination of John F Kennedy who cleaned house because of the “Northwoods Document” and was set to put America back on a Gold Standard by taking the ability to print money away from the FED.  Murder is what was achieved in that instance and it is clear that Murder will occur again with anyone attempting the same.  Nixon & Reagan’s “War On Drugs” was the declaration of War On Main Street and our Constitution with the birth of the Nanny State of corporate welfare.

Judge Jim Gray says it all and says it best in his Six Groups Who Profit From The War On Drugs.

 

The opening statement is more than enough for any right-thinking, right-acting American Citizen to understand just how vile and low this once great nation has sunk.  Our Representatives on Capitol Hill take $4,000.00 (based on $50,000.00 annual income) and send it to their Corporate Masters from each one of us yet only $360.00 goes to all food stamp, welfare and social relief funding.  Add to that the bloated Military that steals 35% of the revenue proceeds from America to piss away in their Global Terrorism.

It is long past time for Americans, for America’s Main Streets to rise up and bust the balls of these lying thieves and terrorists who inhabit Capital Hill.  Vote in November or be the victim of your own folly as this nation turns Christ-O-Fascist…

Weird Wednesday 07.23.14

Posted in Creative Construction by Kevin Andrews on July 23, 2014

Weird Wednesday 07.23.14

Now just hang tight as the Christ-O-Fascists start howling.  I love me some Romanovsky & Phillips and you don’t have to worry about the kids.  They’ve been singing these songs already…

Yesterday was Montgomery Lee Freeman’s 36th Birthday.

Weekend Warrior 07.18.14

Posted in Uncategorized by Kevin Andrews on July 19, 2014

Weekend Warrior 07.18.14.

The MIC and Halliburton War Machine is working in the Gaza Strip. 

Ukrainian separatists shoot down an airplane full of genius and the future with Putin’s support. 

The Corporate Super-Person of the Roberts SCOTUS’s Immaculate Conception & Virgin Birth has now been imbued with a “soul.”  That Free Speech equals Cash sure works great on the SCOTUS now doesn’t it?  Contempt of Constitution and total adherence to a Cannibal Cults of Jeebus Inc’s alleged morality that places ownership of the Uterus into the Corporate Super-Person’s hands. 

Where would you like your bar-code tattooed please?

 

Odd place to be is where I’m at today..

Terrorist Tuesday 07.15.14

Posted in Uncategorized by Kevin Andrews on July 15, 2014

Terrorist Tuesday 07.15.14

Happy Terrorist Tuesday.

Catchy tune.  Not “Onward Christian Soldiers” for sure.

 

 

 

Terrorist Tuesday 06.03.14

Posted in Uncategorized by Kevin Andrews on June 3, 2014

Terrorist Tuesday 06.03.14

I’m Back after a long absence, excitement like homelessness and absolute despair, illness and coming to understand that this world is full of ill humans who self-medicate and just have no concept of what friends are all about.  Through the course of this experience I’ve learned who true friends are, reconciled to a degree with family and still maintain my independence at 59 in the Sunshine State of Florida.

 

Happiness is an inside job.

Among other aggravations in life the Huffington Post has now moved all of their commentary platform to Mark Zucherberg’s Facebook and I’m not posting political commentary on Facebook anytime in the immediate future.

So I’ll fill in a little history here.

Montgomery Lee Freeman is latched on to the 3rd victim since attempting to murder me.  Lee is now in Palm Harbor with a Brucie where a new camper and a Methed-Out mindset rules.  I still miss my friend Lee, whom I love dearly, but his choices are his choices.

It was just a year ago the death of my Imps tripped me into the suicidal depression. 

With incessant attacks from the lying, thieving Meth Heads doing what their chemical alterations do to their brains, I became the object of their paranoia and hate.  I still grieve but have come to a point of acceptance with the reality of now taking precedence over any past.

To my credit, I did construct Torii Beach and built a brief and shining Camelot, a utopian happiness that Lee figured prominently in maintaining that happiness.  It still breaks my heart to think of what could’ve been had I been more focused. I did my best and that wasn’t good enough and that’s OK now.  I know that the self-preservation instincts triggered were accurate and will never again ignore what the 3 pounds of gray matter deliver to me.

Keeping positive focus when confronted with the poisonous persons who attached to Lee’s dick was impossible for me.  Odd how that just spews forth here a year later.  I felt no jealousy then and I don’t now; the always present and all important “Other” was always there and always will be.  The history since Torii Beach defines the depth of depravity that Lee chooses as his life and I’m content to not be involved at all.  the vile and ill primates with whom he chooses to associate are gone from my life and that’s the best thing that could ever happen.

I cleaned out the Corey and his schizophrenia is now in full bloom.  Corey demonstrated clearly that his goals in life are being as much a leech and liar as Lee and these energies, these primates are not worth the effort to maintain any relationships with now or at any foreseeable time in the future.

So Gentile Readers, I thank you for your patience with me in this time of healing.  My best friend and mentor in life, Theresa Carr has passed away in this period of my silence, Leaving a huge gaping hole in my life and consciousness in her absence.

Cuyler Paine, whose birthday is today, one of the kids I “rescued” and got back on the right track, fell off the wagon and committed suicide too.

The final blow to me was the death of Martin from the Island House.  Again in life I find myself as I was in 1986 having buried loved ones, friends and peers upon whom I lavished love and dependence in caring for them as a Right thinking, Right Speaking, Right Acting adult.

We are all creatures of energy and stardust and I know when my time comes that my energy will be again joined with these souls who blessed me in their lives with love, friendship and caring.  They are all sorely missed and life is strangely twisted as a result but my tasks here are not complete yet…

For me, a year of therapy with the psychiatrist and therapist is helpful but no real solution to the real and lasting damage to self that I accepted for far too long.  Loving someone unconditionally, like a brother, takes a strong soul and the risks are always great.  There is no winner or looser in this.  There is only the reality of solitude and satisfaction of being true to one’s self..

Torii Beach Chronicles are on the way to the Publisher with BBC America and the attorneys still dukeing it out.  I’ve thrown up my hands in disgust and just keep working.

Sabbatical for Sanity 03.26.14

Posted in Uncategorized by Kevin Andrews on March 26, 2014

Sabbatical For Sanity 03.26.14

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3toaZCYVSU8

 

Things come into life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  The timeless nature of this is clear…

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjiyjYCwNyY

 

Of course things don’t always work out right.

I’ve either been tea-totally insane, locked in mourning, overwhelming grief or plunged to the depths of absolute suicidal depression for the past 6 weeks.  Yeah, I know I should just get the fuck over it all but getting Torii Beach Chronicles poured out is most important to me now and hopefully lift me into a brighter future.

It’s past time to just move on and I’m moving although not very sure just what direction at this moment.  I’m holding fast to taking one breath after the other, have gotten rid of all the fucking medications, thankfully and moved through that  nightmare of fighting off the urge to bathe with the toaster or swing from a rafter.  These SRI (Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors) gone from my system means I’m getting all my receptor sites back and unleashing the playing field to infinity again is never easy, fun or without risk.

As a macabre footnote here: “Leaving my brain to science so they can examine in depth the ganglia, the neural network constructed in a Gay Man’s brain, post stroke, cocaine, LDS, Psilocybin Mushroom washed, THC moderated, T, G & X obliterated, nicotine and sugar stimulated with just a little caffeine kicker and peel of semi sweet dark chocolate having altered my ganglia to this point.  What a lesson for them. (The Scientists)  An ambidextrous, gay man’s brain with language skills and visual spacial memory and modeling to equal any engineer on an intuitive basis, a fine artist, loving friend and Loner.”  Wow, just slice me up and clone me.  Can you imagine the neural network I could build.  Look at the flexibility of these 3 pounds of mush…

 

 

 

 

Weird Wednesday 2.19.14

Posted in Uncategorized by Kevin Andrews on February 19, 2014

Weird Wednesday 2.19.14

Strange day today.

Conversation with Lee and then email from me:

Lee:

It’s been 4 months since I heard from you.

I just called and spoke with you and the rather cryptic answers are more telling than the truth of: “Lee, it’s 10 years; really?”  The answer from you is: “It may have been 10 years but, it’s not like it’s 10 years.”

Lee; are you still sane?

The calendar and the time and date stamps on emails, photographs spanning a decade or more are not manufactured or alterable.
Time and laughter shared is real and honest; why do you deny reality?.
Quiet times and plain companionship (which apparently has absolutely no meaning or value for you) are the keynotes of all that time.
We have been friends, not lovers, not partners but friends Lee.
I will not apologize for being candid in: “I love my friend Lee.” I am infinitely sorry for one as impoverished as you for being ashamed of honesty, respect, compassion and caring as a friend would. That is real and that is recorded history.
The demonstration is clear from you Lee.

Do you detest yourself so deeply that you are unable to grasp how anyone could befriend you?

The dichotomy here is: “Kevin, you are not responsible.” and the reality that: “Kevin is the only responsible party.” still plays on.  Held harmless, without responsibility but intent to harm is clear, documented, defined and displayed for a world to see.  Why?

“I’m not interested.”  I hear from you.

Just what is it that you aren’t interested in Lee?

Friendship, honesty, courage, creation and quiet enjoyment of life?

Just what is it?

I have no fear Lee.

I have intense curiosity as I honestly wonder why?
What possible motivation?

2013 wasn’t a good year for me; thanks for the compassionate stand, friend.

Life goes on for me in shapes and forms that are unique but twisted from experiences.  I’m sure you would concur with the invasion of privacy (deleting photos from my phone, stealing while I’m on a date, invading my privacy by manipulation of Others) those just from my experiences.  Reality of life with a sociopath?  A narcissist?

“If I have my world and others have their worlds then why should I give a shit about anyone’s world but mine?”

Friends “give a shit” Lee.

Got many left?

Bait & Switch, Bully & Lie, Abuse & Denigrate, Real Grief & Mourning for loss.
Did I see any support, caring or compassion?
I have no regrets.  I hold no animosity.  I recognized and understood the players, the thieves, the addicts; I didn’t recognize my friend Lee among them though.  That recognition came much later with malice, forethought and manipulation of others.  Documented and filed for future profit.
Lee and I, friends for over 10 years and housemates for 2.5 were apparently too good to last.  The reality is the reality and there is no other perspective.
I honestly love my friend Lee, not as lover but as friend, fellow traveler on the journey of life.  I make no apology for being able to honestly say: “I love my friend Lee.” The meaning clear to this day.
The creature who tortured and twisted life as I knew it is not friend Lee but the cadaver of that once vibrant human poisoned by his own hand.  I bleed and tear my hair out in agony over the pain of the experience of Lee’s slow suicide, his murder of conscious, altered reality created from chemical imbalance and dysfunction within what once was a beautiful and direct mind.
I wish I could understand the desire to do this.  Why the escape?  Why the secrecy?  Why the animus to pure hate?  These are founded in self and the man I know as Montgomery Lee Freeman had no reason to feel these things of him self.
Perhaps I understood this undercurrent of “self-loathing” and that’s why I directed my attention toward reinforcing the positive for Lee.  I was candid about touch therapy and delivering positive messages without shame, accusation or anything but fact.  I am a care-giver by nature and nurture is instinctive for me.
What would be different had I “Just ignored” Lee, Jim and the Crystal Meth Ego Mass of St Pete?
Quite honestly; I would not be alive.  I know in my heart of hearts that had I blindly followed the pack; had I become the addict that I see in Lee today, I would’ve eagerly done myself in to just stop the suffering.  Compassionate action and respect of self held me in good stead although I failed miserably at being successful in keeping Tori Beach for a playpen or a closet for the all important “Other.”
How am I able to say to this day that “I love my friend Lee?”
That man still exists within my experiences.  That Montgomery Lee Freeman is still contained in the husk of human that hides, lives in fear, lashes out in pain of self-recognition but absolves himself of any responsibility.
It is all Kevin.  Always has been; always will be.
Kevin is not responsible in paying the bills.
Kevin is responsible for being honest, not holding secrets, not withholding information of any kind candid to the point of “tell the truth first; they’ll never believe it anyway.”
Kevin murdered his birds.
Kevin created the expectation and the disappointment.
Kevin is honest and direct with nasty Jews and compromise of household finances.
Kevin withstood the attacks, the economic warfare and the reality of 2/3 of the responsibility to Lee’s 1/3.
Kevin held Lee harmless in lease, in all but the water bill and Lee can’t be honest about that now or ever.
.
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 215 other followers